Going After him!
by mrsoneill
Summary: During New Moon, what if after Edward left Bella never went to Jacob and became his friend, and still kept to herself. After a while she decides she wants him regardless and is not willing to give up on him. What will Edward say when she tracks him down
1. Chapter 1: Realization

Going After him.

Chapter 1: Realization

He's Gone!? He's Gone!? He's Gone?  
That's all I said the first month after my life was shattered apart. Besides constantly repeating those words and two outbreaks of screaming when Charlie tried to ship me off to Jacksonville with Renee ( like I would stand for that. Like I could live somewhere sunny, somewhere like that would make it to hard to believe that he actually existed. And I had to know that, even if I ignored everything else. I could not ignore that, I had to know for the sake of the little bit of sanity that I had left that he really existed. That he was somewhere out there very much real.) I was pretty much in a catatonic state. I could not wrap my brain around what had happened. No matter how much I hurt I could not get myself to believe what took place that fateful date. We were happy right? I was and I thought he was. How could everything go from perfect to miserable so fast. I could not take it in, so I just shut down.

It has now been six months since I was finally forced to deal with everything and come out of my catatonic state. Although it has been six months I do not feel any better, healthier, saner. I might actually feel worse. Hell I don't know. I was forced to deal with the pain, no one would leave me alone. Constantly wanting me to talk to them or whatever it was that they wanted from me. I do not even recall anything that they were asking me or telling me. I was slowly starting to notice the environment around me and where I actually was. I could of been at the hospital all that time and would not of realized. But starting to notice where I was and what was around me was not good. Everything reminded me of HIM!!!!!! My bed which I was laying on. All it did was make me think about all the many nights we layed in this bed together while I slept. But most of all the first night he ever stayed here (with my permission that is). That night was the best night of my life and it hurt so damn bad to remember it. The computer where I spent a whole morning researching vampires. The Cd's stacked everywhere, all music would remind me of him now.

All my classic novels that I loved so much for their love stories, yep even those reminded me of him. Hell I could even smell him still. Not that it didn't smell fabulous cause it did; but knowing that the smell would slowly fade and I would never be able to replace it, to bring it back because I would never see HIM again hurt like you wouldn't believe. How someones smell could cause so much pain I have no idea, but it did. The smell though that's what really snapped me out of it. The smell, his smell man the pain was unbearable. Than all I could do was cry, I swear I sobbed for at least 24 hours. The pain was so much. I felt it in every particle of my body and soul, my whole being was alive with it. It was pure torture. I thought what I was feeling in my catatonic state was bad, huh I would gladly deal with that for 100 years rather than deal with this pain for another minute. That's when I became numb. Only one day of the realization and pain of the truth: HE'S GONE!!!! and my body and mind knew my mere mortal self could not handle anymore or I would die. How weak am I. I could not take anymore, I was just numb. I still felt miserable and hurt but nothing on the level that I was. It was like I was a zombie. I was there but I wasn't. Like my soul left my body to go where it belonged: with HIM. Like it knew we were not suppose to be separated.

I went back to school and work. I just went through the day, but at the end of the day I could not of told you one thing I did or one thing someone had said to me. I left no time for anything extra, no time to think.  
I got up in the morning with exactly enough time allowable to get dressed eat and drive to school to make it to first period with no time to spare. The day went by with me in a daze. Went straight home unless I had to work. Did my homework , made Charlie dinner. I could not tell you one conversation we had in the past six months, took a shower, went to bed to wake up the next day and do the exact same thing over again. No time to waste, to spare, to think, to dwell on my shattered life or I was sure the numbness would go away. My whole existence (I can't say life, I have no life. It went with HIM.) was constant, the same thing everyday was what got me through. Even my dreams and thoughts or thought was constant. All I ever consciencely thought on my own was 2 words over and over again. HE'S GONE!!!!! I went from saying it constantly to just thinking it constantly.

Even if I was doing homework, cooking or working it was always there in my mind. It's the only thing I actually remember thinking, it hurt but it didn't hurt as bad as any other thoughts about him would of. My dream was the same one every night; me in the forest running and screaming never finding anything, and I would finally realize I was not going to find anything, there was nothing or no one to find anymore. That's when I would jump awake screaming into the still silent night. ALONE! HE WAS NOT HERE ANYMORE! I'D FOREVER BE ALONE NOW. And I had this dream every night. After the first month Charlie stopped running in here every night to see what was wrong.

Today though, today was different! It's been 7 months to the day that my world crashed. And something was different! I wasn't numb anymore, I woke up 5 hours ago and was in so much pain I couldn't breathe from the tears and sobs wracking my whole body. I thought I was gonna hyperventilate and pass out at first but it just keep coming and unfortunately I had stayed conscious for all of it so far. I have not even been able to move; not even a finger. I have been laying here sobbing for 5 hours. Just thinking and thinking. I can't stop; it all the memories, everything would not stop. They were flooding my brain. It seemed to be getting worse. It seemed like at first my mind was still trying to fight it but now it was like it gave up and my one thought I had for 7 months was now millions. Every thought, every kiss and every stolen moment. Everything was flowing non-stop in my head. I could no longer keep everything locked up in a private part of my brain. My subconscious saw to that; it finally dredged up all the things I have been pushing back and keeping hidden. But........... there was more to the crying and the pain. Not only was I crying because I was forced to picture his perfect beautiful face. Hear his perfect velvet voice. Remember all of them, all the Cullen's.

God, how I loved them. Every single one of them. Each and every one of them was a part of me. Even though they left me too they were still my family and very important to me. Didn't he or any of them realize that it wasn't just him leaving me it was all of them. Alice, Emmett, Esme, Carlisle, Jasper and Rosalie. I still don't think I can say his name. I now had to think about our time together. The best 8 months of my life (8 months was that really how long I had known him before he left, that was all. It felt like a century.) It was the best summer I ever had. Going to dinner, watching movies, him playing the piano for me, playing my lullaby and my favorite thing going to OUR meadow. Spending time with HIS family. How bad I had wanted them to be my family too!! OUR FAMILY!!! The day he left. The pain is slowly killing me I think. He doesn't love me! He doesn't want me! What did I do wrong, he said he'd love me forever.

All these things and more I had to think about and cry over. Plus the new things. The dream I had last night was not my normal consistent dream. It was about HIM and it is what took the numbness away. The dream I had of HIM was not a memory I had of him. And that hurt! Thinking of him out there living and coping while I could not even get out of bed. It's not that I want him unhappy or miserable. I love him to much for that. If I seen him like I am that would only make this pain worse. But it still hurt to see him going on with life. Without a second thought to me. To the life I yearned for. The life I thought we both wanted. But he did say he didn't want me or love me what was he suppose to do mourn someone he did not care for? It still hurt though, because I so desperately needed him still and wanted him still. How pathetic am I?  
The next new thing that was helping cause all this pain was I think I knew where he was!

If he was living by where he was in the dream. And just that little bit of knowledge, just simply thinking I might actually know where he was living now hurt me so bad. The pain of it was damn near physical. Who would of knew or thought that little bit of info could be so painful so incapacitating. NOT ME!!!! I kept trying to tell myself it was just a dream. But something in the depths of my whole being told me I was right. That he, that they were there. The dream was so vivid, more like a memory or vision instead of a dream. Of all these things though that was causing me so much pain there was still one thing that was causing the most. I wanted to go after him. To go to him and yell at him and ask him what I did wrong. How could he just stop loving me. Why did he just up and leave like that, with no warning. I didn't even see it coming. Ask if he was done chasing his distractions. If he could come back. Love me again. Seriously how pathetic am I? But I don't care, I just don't work without him.

I'd acually like to smack him, but I'd probley just break my fingers or hell whole hand. You know, with him being like stone and all. With his long muscular perfect stone body. Like a Greek god, my own personnel Adonis. His perfect hard lips and perfect angular nose with that messy bronze hair I love to tangle my hands in. Those gorgeous topaz eyes and his long pale hands that feel so strong and cold when he touches my body......I need to stop, I'll pay with even more pain later for over thinking all that. I just keep getting more pathetic. Not only can I not even get out of bed and stop crying but just thinking about him has the same effect on me as he himself does in person. I am still dazzled. The way just thinking about him affects me (imagine if it was him and not just my thoughts) after all that has happened amazes me. And makes me question even more Why we aren't WE anymore. But of all that, I guess the real question here is if I am right and I do know where HE is. What should I do about it? Should I go after him or leave him alone?

I felt like a fool even considering about going after him. Didn't he plainly say he didn't want me anymore.

flashback

"Okay, Let's Talk."  
"Bella we're leaving."  
"Why now? Another year-"  
"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."  
"When you say we"  
"I mean my family and myself."  
"Okay, I'll come with you."  
"You can't Bella. Where we are going... it's not the right place for you."  
"Where you are is the right place for me."  
"I'm no good for you, Bella."  
"Don't be ridiculous."  
"You're the very best part of my life."  
"My world is not for you."  
"What happened with Jasper, that was nothing Edward! NOTHING!!!"  
"You're right." "It was exactly what was to be expected."  
"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"  
"As long as that was best for you."  
"NO! This is about my soul, isn't it?"  
"Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, EDWARD. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you------- it's yous already!"  
"Bella, I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME."  
"You.....don't...want me?"  
"No."  
"Well, that changes things."  
"Of course, I'll always love you.... in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm ..... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human."  
"I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."  
"Don't."  
"Don't do this." he already had.  
"You're not good for me, Bella." How I always knew that.  
"If... that's what you want."

end flashback

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I couldn't bare to remember any more, but in all honesty that was the worst of it.  
Everything I had already believed for so long.

Of course I was not good enough for him. He was perfect! So beautiful and nice, understanding, compassionate and good at everything. Absolutely brilliant! Not to mention filthy rich. And me well I'm nothing. I'm not pretty; I'm plan Jane Bella. I'm smart but no genius. I'm damn near disabled I'm so clumsy. I'm not interesting or funny. Or good at anything except reading. But whats awesome about that; absolutely nothing at all. Of course I am not good enough for him. I've always known that. I always wondered why he was with me. It couldn't be about my soul. It just couldn't be. He knows mine belongs to him right. Hell when he left my soul left me and tagged along after him. At least I felt that way. My soul knew where it belonged. So it must just be that he was bored with me (I can understand that I am not interesting) and didn't want me anymore. Off to another distraction. WOW that hurts. Just a distraction! I was just a distraction. Something to occupy some of his time, which was all eternity. Of course he would get bored with me. I'm boring and plain who would want me for ever, for all eternity. LITERALLY!!! I thought we were so much more. I am so stupid. I thought, no I was sure he was my soul mate, my other half. What a fool I've been.

Regardless of that though, thinking back now to that fateful conversation, one of the things he said didn't just hurt me, it bothered me. Kinda pissed me off.

"I'm not Human."

And that's a bad thing? No, but I guess to him it is.  
Of course he wasn't human. I'm not stupid. That's one of the best things about him. He's special, not like any other boy I've ever met. I never asked him to pretend to be human. I liked him for who he was Vampire or not. I loved every little thing about him. As long as I had him I didn't care how he acted. HUMAN or VAMPIRE whatever made him happy.

I was still having trouble wrapping my head around all this. Nothing added up. All the things he did to prove how he felt. What we overcame to be together. Especially him. What he went through physically just to be near me. The thousands of times he told me he loved me, that I was his life. And than the one time he said he didn't want me, didn't love me! One was a lie! But which one? I knew Edward. STOP! wow oh my god that was the first time I really thought his name myself. Who would think it would hurt so bad. Anyways! I knew HIM!!! I knew he was an excellent liar. So which one was a lie? Easy answer!!! Of course he didn't want really want me, why should he or why would him. I always thought he was crazy. I remember last year when we first met and he said we shouldn't be friends. I figured it was because he realized how obsessed I was with him and wasn't interested. Why would he be interested? I knew I was right, he probley felt bad seeing how crazy I was for him and decided to have a little fun with a stupid human like myself. I knew it didn't make since for him to love me or want me. He was a GOD and I was I was nothing. What could I ever offer him?

Well now that that was figured out how did I feel about all of it? Let's think about EDWARD (still hurts, but man I love him and his name). How perfect he is! God I love those topaz eyes and that messy bronze hair. He's perfect in every way! And not in just looks, he is so fun and sweet and brilliant compassionate and thats just to name a few of his best qualities. I know I have said all this but I just love him so much no matter how much pain I am in. So perfect! My one love, my life. My soul is his. My whole being is his; body, mind, and soul!!!! Let's think about the Cullens. ALICE my bestfriend, my sister the one real friend I have ever had; god how i miss her. Emmett my big brother man he use to embarass the hell out of me and love it. But he was my big brother and I love him so much. Jasper what can I say he was a friend a brother but in a different way than Emmett even though he tried to kill me on impulse I still loved him and missed him.

I did not blame him and was not mad at him. Carlisle so compassionate he was like my second father and Esme my mother, one of the most loving people I have ever met she always acted more like a mother to me than my own mother. Renee always acted like the child and I the adult. How much I missed Carlisle and Esme I loved them so much. Hell I even missed Rosalie, beautiful perfect Rosalie. Even though she hated me and I was secretly afraid of her I still missed her, she was part of them there for part of me. I loved them all and missed them all but most of all HIM!!! MY EDWARD MY LOVE! The Life I had planned to have with him and them. Was that something I was willing to let go so easily? Just cause he thought it was for the best; meaning he wanted more or different distractions.

No, no it's not.I have spent my whole life feeling like I didn't fit in with anyone. And even though they weren't human, were super strong, super fast and breathtakingly beautiful with them is the only place I have ever felt like I truly belonged, where I felt like I was truly home. I use to detest Forks with all the rain and constant cloud cover and now I could never live anywhere sunny and warm again. But that was a sacrifice I was willing to pay for him. Even if now it was just to keep the memory of him and his existence real. I could never leave now, except somewhere else in Washington (and even if I did that what if he came back how would he find me) but that's it I would stay here forever unless of course it was with him.

It didn't matter, that's it regardless what he said before, or that I believed he truly didn't want me. Now that I was dealing with the pain and thinking it all through. I could not turn my back on us. I'd fight for him, even if he was the one I was fighting. I needed him still, despite everything and I loved him even more and that would never change. That's it decisions made. I loved him to much and needed to be with him too bad. I had research to do. First things first get out of bed, than Cornell University website and any hospital in or near Ithaca, New York.


	2. Chapter 2: Visions

A/N: I do not own anything it is all property of the awesome Stephenie Meyer And I hope everyone enjoys this next chapter. Thanks for the reviews and just for reding my story.

Going after him!

Chapter 2: Visions BPOV

I was having a serious feeling of deja vu. Here I was once again putting off doing research on the internet for something concerning Edward Cullen. And both times now the information I may or maynot find could make me or break me. I was seriously going for make me. So to complete the sense of deja vu I did exactly what I did last time to put off the actual event. I ate a bowl of cereal thinking all the while about Edward. Now that I was not numb and out of my zombie-like state, he was all I thought about. I kind of liked it for the fact that I do love him and I had always enjoyed thinking about Edward; he was so perfect. But with the enjoyment was still incruciating pain. For 7 months I never truly thought about him or said his name, of course sometimes I would slip up and think about him; but I was numb so it wasn't really painful.

So now that I was feeling the pain I was also free to think about him. Weird how that works you would think my mind would think about him more when I couldn't feel the pain so much. Whatever what can ya do right? But every since I had resolved to not just sit around and allow myself to lose him, since I've decided to try to find him and fight for him the pain has actually lessened, but it was still intense. There was a tiny part of me that was calm now like somewhere inside me I knew that I was going to see him soon. I have decided though that I won't be a nuisance I will track him down, declare myself, tell him I am not willing to lose him without a fight and see what his response is. I won't be around if I feel like there is no chance at all.

If he is really hell bent on not wanting me anymore. But I can't just let it go that easily. He would fight for me I am sure of it so why shouldn't I do the same. I love him and I want him and that is all that is important. Even though it hurts like hell I think I like this better than the numb feeling. Regardless how hurt I am I would rather remember Edward than to try and pretend he doesn't exist. Meeting him and being with him was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why would I want to forget about it. He brought me to life after I felt like I was just plainly there for 17 years. After finishing my breakfast I than took a shower and stood in the hot water with it just coursing over my whole body until it ran cold all the while still thinking. After my shower I dressed in my comfy clothes.

The ones I use to wear to bed until Edward came along and I had switched to some more girly. Than I meticulously dried my hair til it was straight. Now I was out of things to do to put off the inevitable. So keeping with tradition I got out my little cd player unhooked the earphones and put in the same CD that Phil had got that I listened to the last time, and turned it down to background music. Well now all I had to do was wait for the computer to get running, I was so distracted from everything else I forgot that this might take a while. Now what to do to kill this time; ah how typical of me I did all those things to put it off and when I am finally ready to deal with it I still have to wait because I forgot that my computer is ancient and didn't start it up yet. Maybe I will just sit here and think of how I am going to do this if I do succeed in finding the Cullen's.

APOV

So here I was just shopping on-line because everyone refused to go shopping with me anymore; everyone was so depressed. Shopping helped my depression but I guess not anyone elses and what fun was going to all the shops alone so I was stuck with on-line shopping. It did actually help my depression but only when I was actually purchasing something I really wanted. Most of the time it made me sad in a way because I was constantly finding clothes and shoes I wanted to buy Bella. I loved shopping but I especially loved shopping for Bella. She had no sense of fashion or what she should or shouldn't wear and I loved being able to get her all the right things. Not to mention she was beautiful (even though she didn't know that) and had a perfect figure and so many different things looked amazing on her. I had to laugh a little because if she heard me say that she would snort and tell me something crazy like my visions were starting to affect my eyesight.

That girl had no clue how beautiful she was, so insecure. This seperation is probley killing her. I promised Edward that I would not look for Bella's future. Man did I want to so bad. It was killing me being apart from her. Probley not like it was killing Edward, she was his soulmate and he took that away to try and protect her from our world. I was so mad at him for leaving and having us abandon her, but at the same time I understood because as much as I could not even bare to think about being apart from Jazzy I would do the same for him if he were human and I thought he was in danger. But I was still pissed; Bella was the only true friend best friend even that I had ever had and I know I was that for her too. She never really had a true friend before not even in Phoenix, she never really fit in anywhere; but she fit in with us VAMPIRES. She was different from other humans and Edward knew that; hell thats what attracted him to her at first anyway.

You think that would open his eyes and make him realize that this seperation was wrong. But no Edward is to stubborn to do that. Even though this was killing him right now he was riding it out anyway. All I could hope was that he would eventually cave, that the yearning would be to much for him to handle. I have a feeling he will just because I know they are soulmates. There would never be anyone better suited for either of them than the other so that had to mean in the end it would work out right. I hated this not knowing shit, I usually knew everything but with Edward so dead set on staying away and Bella pretty much not there mentally I knew nothing. Awe! I just seen the cutest blue blouse that would look perfect on Bella. She always looked so beautiful in blue, Edward loved her in blue.

I wonder if she would know it was from me if I sent it to her, and if she did would she be angry. I am so glad that Edward is not here today if he heard all the thoughts I was having about Bella today and how sad I was it would first make him mad, (cause you know we were suppose to be forgetting her. Yeah right we were vampires we didn't forget anything. I could live another 500 years and my memory of her would not fade at all). And than after it pissed him off and he went off on me (again I might add) it would than only make his pain and longing for her worse too feel mine. Man this sucked; why did he have to be so stubborn. Like we couldn't have protected her. We had before, but I guess this was different seems how he was now protecting her from us; since my Jazzy tried to kill her.

OOPS!!!! Jasper felt so bad; he didn't need to be able to feel everyone elses feelings to be crushed. Even though he always kept a distance from Bella he loved her like a little sister and was so broken over what he did. No one was mad at him though they knew how he felt. Hell Bella wasn't even mad at him. I guess I need to quit thinking about her before Edward comes back and hears my thoughts. He just got back from wondering on his own and even though I knew he would not stay permanently I didn't want him to leave any sooner than he was planning. I had missed him so much. Everyone was a mess without him and Bella here. Now that we had him back for the time being it was better but she was still missing and so things still weren't right; not to mention Edward was only here physically. Mentally and emotionally he wa....... UMPH!

vision:

Bella sitting in her room in Forks at her desk looking at the computer She didn't look so depressed; she still looked off but like there was a little hope to her face.  
A little life back.  
She was sitting there with her arm wrapped around her torso, kinda like she was having to hold herself together.  
She looked better but she still looked like hell. She was crying a little and staring at her computer screen and there on her computer screen was Cornell University website.  
She clicked on something and there it was in front of her a picture of Professor Carlisle Cullen.  
There was a different look to her determination, love and a little frightened.  
She closed her eyes and mouthed something that looked like Edward.

end vision:

****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

OH!!!! I snapped out of my vision and of course Jazz had heard my shocked noises and was there already. "What is it Alice? What did you see?" Jazz said "Bella!" was all I could get out.  
"Bella! What about Bella? IS she okay? Oh my god I'm glad Edward is out hunting" Jasper said "No, no Jazzy calm down it's nothing bad, at least it doesn't look bad. She was sitting at her computer. She looked better but still horrible." and than I told him the rest of the vision I had.  
"What does that mean, Alice?" Jasper said.  
"I am not sure Jazzy but you know how my visions are. I see something after someone has decided to do something. Obviously she decided to look at that website and something tells me that finding Carlisle was not by accident. She didn't look surprised to see his picture; her face kinda looked like she was expecting it and was not disappointed. It was weird. I think this has something to do with us besides her just finding out where Carlisle works."  
"Why do you say that?" Jasper asked "Well because we have been gone for 7 months and I have only had 1 other vision of her and that was in the first week. Now I haven't looked for her like I promised Edward. But you know how my visions work; and there is no way that this is the only thing she has decided on in the last 7 months. It's about us and has to do with us, thats why I am seeing it."  
"That sounds about right, it does make sense." Jasper whispered "Well Jaz........OH!!!

*  
vision

Bella walking, she looked scared and excited at the same time.  
She was walking up to a building and it looked familiar. She had a duffel bag and car keys in her hand.  
And than there was a sign it read: Cornell University than her walking to a classroom and knocking on the door the door opens and there stood Carlisle.

end vision ************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

"Oh Jazzy, I know what it all means. She's coming here to see Carlisle. I bet for Edward. She's going to fight for him. She's not willing to let him or us go. She doesn't care that it's Edward she's fighting. Shewants him and thats all that matters to her." Oh my god I was so excited!! My best friend was coming, to fight to be in our lives.  
"How do you know all that?" Jasper asks "Because in this last vision I seen her going to Cornell and going to Carlisle's office." Just sitting her calmly whispering with Jazzy was killing me I wanted to run and squeal with delight but I know I got to be careful for Edward not to find out. I'll have to stay calm, which is very hard for me; especially being this excited. But I don't need Edward running off before she gets here.  
"So Alice, that does not mean it's for Edward. Thats she's triing to fight for him." Jasper said "Look Jazz I know Bella. And I told you at the end of the first vision she looked determined and she said Edward. Though I couldn't hear it, I could read her lips. And in this last vision she looked determined too. Plus like I said I know Bella and I know how much Edward, all of us for that matter mean to her. We are her life. Now that she's thinking and not just being there zombie-like I bet she has decided she is not willing to let us go; especially Edward."  
"Wow! What do you think Edward is going to say?" Jasper asks "I don't know; I'm sure at first he'll try to fight her on it no matter how much it hurts him to be around her and not with her. But I do know for sure that we need to tell everyone and make sure that they don't let it slip to Edward. He needs to be surprised by her, or he will run before she gets here. She'll be here in 3 days. But don't worry I got a plan. Come on lets go talk to everyone else before Edward gets back"

When we got down stairs everyone was watching us. Probley because we were upstairs quiet for so long and I am normally loud. They could probley also sense that something was up. Again, I was so thankful that Edward was gone. I wonder how everyone is going to react? Me I was busting inside. I could not wait for 3 days to come. I love her so much and man did I miss her.  
"Guys, I got some amazing, but could be damaging news."  
"What's going on Alice?' Carlisle asks rising from his seat next to Esme on the loveseat. Everyone looked weary. I couldn't help but laugh.  
"I've had a vision. But what I am going to tell you you must not think about it after this discussion. It is very very important that Edward stays in the dark on this. Him finding out early is what could make this news damaging, rather than as spectacular as it is. Does everyone understand?"  
"So when will it be the right time for Edward to find out this wonderful news?" Rosalie asks "When it happens; it is essential that this surprises him."  
"Well, go on then pixie what is so great about this vision you had?" Emmett said I was just going to get straight to the point. No reason to beat around the bush. "Bella is coming, here. She is still in deep amounts of pain from us; all of us that is, abandoning her. But she has decided that she can not be without Edward. She needs him and loves him. She has decided that she will fight for them, for him, even if it is him that she is fighting. She will not let him do this when she knows how wrong it is."  
At first they all just looked at me stunned. Than their faces started to show some emotion of what they were feeling, except Rosalie; she still just looked stunned Probley didn't think Bella the "mere insignificant human" had it in her. Esme looked like she was about to cry, if vampires could cry she would be sobbing; but happy sobs. Emmett looked like a 5 year old kid who had been left in a toy or hell candy store overnight. Carlisle just looked proud. Emmett finally broke the silence.  
"Bella is coming; oh my god I have missed that little squirt so much. I can not wait to embarass her and see her blush it is so funny. I need to start thinking about an awesome prank to play on her. This is so awesome. We can be a family again. Edward better not ruin this. I swear I will rip him limb from limb." Emmett said. Wow he went from ecstatic to furious in a matter of seconds. He must really miss Bella. "Well Emmett that is why it is so crucial for Edward not to find out until he sees her. Than it will be hard for him to turn his back on them again. You know it damn near killed him to do it the first time; and thats saying alot seems how we are immortal. If he finds out before than he will run; I know it."  
"Alice how do you know that is how she feels about her and Edward?" Carlisle asks.  
"Carlisle in my vision when she seen you on the website she didn't look shocked. It was like she was looking to make sure, like she knew but was confirming. And she looked determined and said Edwards name. As for how she feels about them and fighting for them to be together. Well like I told Jazzy I know Bella. She is my best friend and I know how she feels about all of us Edward especially. He was everythng in this world to her. I just know her and how she thinks and I know I am right. I could read it all on her face as well. She looked so determined. And I know only something that has to do with Edward could make those emotions come out so strong. I just know it and when she gets here in 3 days you will all see."  
"Where is she going to exactly, and how did she even find out where we are?" Esme asks "I don't know how she found out where we are; but I couldn't be any happier that she did. And she will go to Cornell and to Carlisle's office."  
"And how do you suppose we keep this from Edward for 3 days without raising suspicion. We are all excited so that is going to make it even harder to keep him out. You know Edward he is so use to knowing everything that it drives him mad when he doesn't. He will get irritated and suspicious." Rosalie added "I know Rose, thats why I propose that we all leave and just call Edward and tell him we are going hunting for a few days. None of us have hunted in almost 2 weeks, so we need to anyway. He won't find that weird. Than as long as Carlisle is at his office Monday morning to intercept Bella everything should be okay. For the time being." I told them and they all agreed it was a good idea. "Emmett and Jasper when Monday comes it will be your guys job to make sure Edward doesn't get so shocked he runs off. That will only crush her and him more. And she will lose all the confidence and nerve she has worked up to do this. I know that she is so afraid of angering him or crowding him I could say. She has always been insecure of Edward; she thinks so highly of him and so little of herself."  
"Okay Alice we will do everything we can. We want Bella back as much as anyone else. This has to work out, it just has too" Jasper said "Well I suggest you get together anything you want, but since we really are going hunting we probley don't need anything but if you do go get it and Carlisle you call Edward. Let's get out of here he'll be back soon."

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A/N: Well I hope it was goodand every likes it. I like it. This weekend is fathers day and I am going to be very busy with my husband and kids, but I will try to update in no longer than 3 -4 days. I will try to work it in because I am excited to see where my mind takes this story. I kinda write from the characters so they have minds of their own. But I do promise it will be ExB at the end. And I might sneak in a little chapter from EDWARDS pov just so we can see how he is coping. I am nervous to write Edward though. I do promise for sure though that if I don't write a chapter now from his pov before she comes back that as the story progresses I will write from his pov too!!!!! Thanks 


	3. Chapter 3: Dying

Going after him!

Chapter 3: Dying

EPOV

Dying! I wish I was dying. Sometimes I feel like I am dying. Could I truly get that lucky. To be spared from the pain ripping through my body. The pain that has been ripping through my body for 7 months now. I was just sitting here in the middle of the forest somewhere in Ithaca, New York. I was suppose to be hunting. At least that was what I told my family. The truth was I just needed to be away from them. I loved them; I truly did but they weren't the one person I wanted and needed to be with, so it was just making me sick. I told them I was going hunting, but the truth was I have barely hunted in 7 months. I was seriously weak but I don't think they realized that. I kept to myself so much since I returned to them that it would of been hard for them to notice. Thats why I was just sitting here instead of running. I loved to run.

It helped clear my head and let me think straight. I could run so fast that no one would be able to see, but I didn't have the energy to run. So I sat here alone in the wilderness with only my thoughts and her picture in my head. She was so beautiful, she was so perfect in every way. I didn't deserve her and thats why I left her. She deserved better, a happy normal life. It was killing me though. I just knew it. I might be immortal and all but there had to be something we couldn't handle. A point to where even us vampires could not take anymore. I thought there was, okay maybe I just hoped that was true and there was only so much one person could take vampire or not and soon it was all going to end. Wishful thinking, just like me ever thinking Bella was meant for me. I had no right to want her and definitely no right to take her like I did.

Granted she didn't mind, but she was young, naive and thought she was in love. She would get over it, hell I am sure after all this time she has moved on from me. I was so masochistic, in one hand I hoped she had moved on and was happy and then on the other hand it hurt so bad, like someone was setting me on fire. To think of her not loving me anymore and her being with someone else. Someone else touching her and kissing. And they were not cold as ice or stronge enough to crushed rocks into powder with their fingers. So they could really love her and be with her. Be with her in a way I never could from fear of hurting her, but god had I wanted to. She was too beauiful and sexy for her own good. What I wouldn't of gave to be with my Bella in that way.

In the almost 110 years of my existence I had never even thought of a female in that way. Never once had the desire to be intimate with a female. That was until the day Isabella Swan walked into my life. It was the worst and best day of my life. Strange huh! It has been exactly 7 months to the day since I left my Bella and it has not got one bit easier to be away from her, shit it's probley got harder. It took all I had most days to not say to hell with it all. With all the reasons I fed myself about why I was leaving and just run back to her as fast as I could and beg her to forgive me and to love me again. To love me like I loved her. I missed her so much sometimes, no thats a lie I missed her all the time.

She was my life, my very reason for being. I was born to love her and because she didn't exist yet I was given extra life so that I could one day find her. I hated the fact that I was a vampire for most of the time that I have been one. I loved the strength and the speed, but I was a monster and I hated that. But every since I have met my Bella I knew she was the purpose for my being. And than I became grateful for my existence because if I wasn't what I am than I would not have been around long enough to find her. Most of the time I felt like she was still with me. Like her soul had left her and had followed after me. Like it belonged to me and had to be where I was. But than I would assure myself that that was utter nonsense. Bella was not meant for me there for her soul did not belong to me and could not be with me. Man how I wished it was true though. I loved her with every particle of my being. Loving her consumed every part of me and was in every thought that I had and every word that I spoke.

It's been just about 24 hours since I left home. So I figured I better head back. They wouldn't believe I had hunted to long by myself. I did not want to hunt. But I did, only just enough so that my eyes weren't black. I didn't want to worry anyone more than I already was, especially Esme. She has been a mess lately. Between leaving Bella behind and me forbidding them to contact her to me up and leaving them. She has not had the best time lately. She actually has been quite a mess. Esme was one of the most loving caring people I had ever met and it was not fair of me to cause her so much pain. I loved her dearly and could not bear to cause her anymore pain if I could help it. Not to mention what I was doing to everyone else. No one has been the same since we left Forks. Not even my bouncy jubilant pixie of a sister Alice. Besides myself and maybe Esme, I think it was the hardest on Alice to leave my Bella. Bella was after all her best friend.

I remember when we first met Bella and Alice started having visions about her. She had been so excited to start her friendship with Bella. It was amusing in someways, but in others it was a pain in the ass. I had tried so hard to stay away from my Bella and I couldn't. But Alice being so sure of the outcome and missing the girl she didn't even know did not help me keep my resolve to stay away from her. What a mess I have made. What good did it do me to break my resolve? None I just ended up hurting everyone. Jasper felt so guilty for what happened to make me leave Bella. Of course he blamed himself, but I was never mad at him. I knew better; I knew the blame lay with me. I should of never brought Bella into our world. No matter how much I loved her and wanted her for myself, I should of kept a distance. I didn't though and everyone except Rosalie got so atached to her and hurt so much when we left her. They begged me not to do it, to stay with her. I couldn't keep putting her at risk though. It wasn't fair to her.

I was walking up to our house; it took me longer to get home than it usually would of because I still did not have that much energy even though I hunted a little. Everything was so quiet, I could not hear anyones thoughts. That was weird. With a house full of people who never sleep there was usually always thoughts to be heard. Trust me! It got old sometimes, especially hearing them think about me and how I was acting and looking. I could hear the sadness in their thoughts even if they tried to hide it from me or I tried not to hear it. Try as I might I still heard. That was one of the reasons why I left them when we moved away from Forks. I could not stand the sadness in their thoughts or the pity for me. I was just glad I was not Jasper, he had to literally feel every emotion anyone around him felt.

I could not of bared feeling all of those feeling on top of my own. It was bad enough hearing their thoughts about it all. If I had Jaspers ability I definitely would of done ran off to the Volturi and begged them to kill me; and if they would of refused I would of done something to provoke them. Hell to be honest I had thought about it a couple times with just my ability. But I always told myself that now was not the time. In 60-80 years from now when it was time for my Bella to depart from this world I would than go to them and have my existence ended. I just could not and would not live in a world where my Bella did not exist. Once inside the house everything was silent. No noises no thoughts. Ah!!! Peaceful like in the middle of the forest. I walked into the dining room. Ah! the dining room table, I remember sitting here so long ago it seemed now; having a family discussion about what to do about Bella after I had mysteriously saved her from being smashed by a van into her truck. Rose and Jasper wanted to kill her, dispose of her. Like she was a threat to us. She was more trustworthy than any person I have met in my very long life. There was a note on the table so I went over to read it.

Dear Edward,

We haven't hunted in a while, so we all went out up to Canada for a couple days. We will be back on Monday morning. Maybe we can all talk when we return and maybe plan a vacation of some sort to spend some time together. We all miss you. We'll be back soon, enjoy the quiet!!!!

Love, Esme

I knew they missed me, I missed them too. I just didn't feel like myself. I felt like so many parts of myself were missing. I guess I can put forth a little effort for Esme though and go on this vacation with them. She was after all my mother. I went upstairs to my bedroom. Which was once again on the third floor just like my room back in Forks. And the inside looked just like my room in Forks. Esme had set it all up for me when they first got here and I was still in Forks destroying the only happiness I had ever known. When I got back here and seen pretty much the same exact room I honestly just wanted to destroy it. The only reason I didn't was because I did not want to hurt Esme's feelings. She didn't know that I would hate it. It wasn't her fault. But the only reason I hated it was because it all reminded me of my Bella.

Honestly though what didn't remind me of my Bella. I lay down on the black couch and started thinking about Bella, of course. I thought about all the times we had layed on this couch. And than because I am so masochostic I started thinking about everything from the very first moment I ever seen her. She was a mystery to me immediately. I couldn't hear her thoughts and I was instantly obsessed. I thought it was just the mystery of her mind. I soon found out that was wrong and it was more than that. More than I ever thought was possible. Saving her from being crushed by that van was the best thing I have ever done in my long life. The only thing I am proud of. For some reason the day that sticks out the most is the day my resolve shattered. Thinking about that day makes me feel so many things at once. Sadness, joy, guilt, disgust and jealousy were at the top of the list though. I should of been stronger, I should of ignored it and not let something likie jealousy over foul Mike Newton ruin my plan.

What if I had ruined her life just because I was weak? I kinda ruined mine. Not that I regret ever being with Bella, but I think being with her and than leaving was worse than if I would of just kept ignoring her. In a way though that day was the biggest turning point in my life. I still couldn't believe that Mike Newton of all people had been the one to break my resolve. I could of snapped his neck that day. She liked me and wanted me though, and I had been so sure she didn't; but she did. I had been so insecure for no reason. She wanted me and not any of those worthless teenage boys at Forks High. I was so mad but happy at the same time when I realized how much I meant to her. I wanted her to love me for me, but for herself I wanted something different for her, something better. She deserved better than a monster like me. It hurt so bad to think these things, especially knowing they were the truth. It was so hard to not go back to her. I had almost went back multiple times in the last 7 months, but I always stopped myself before I actually got on the plane to Washington.

If I was being honest with myself I don't know if I will actually be able to keep it up. I feel like anytime now my new resolve would slip and I would run back to her. Who knew what little thing it would be that would break my resolve this time. I was just sitting and waiting for it. All the while telling myself that I was strong enough to keep it this time. I loved her enough to allow her to have a happy life. That was true I really did, but I was also a selfish creature; especially when it came to Bella. I just didn't work right without her. What was I going to do for the rest of eternity. Maybe I should just have my existence put to an end. Before I even think more into that though I got a sudden urge to write my Bella.

I will write her and tell her exactly what she means to me and how I can not cope without her. When I left her I gave her the impression that I no longer wanted her, she could not go on thinking that. I would set things right in her heart than end it. I couldn't be with her or without her what other option do I have? I kinda felt like I was abandoning her; giving in and leaving this world before she did. But if I didn't I know I could not trust myself to keep my distance. I just had to remember that she deserved better. I didn't want to hurt anyone; but this was what I had to do to keep my Bella safe. As much as I loved Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Emmett, and Jasper and even Rosalie (even though she was a complete bitch to my Bella, for no reason), Bella was my life and I hated to say this but keeping her safe from me was more important than the rest of my family. I just hope they'd understand. One day maybe.

I would just write Bella and hope one day they would feel like it was okay to give it to her and than I would write them and tell them what I have decided. How had I gone from wanting to spare everyone pain to causing more in a couple hours. I guess all the excessive thinking about Bella today really put me over the edge. I was so sorry and I really hoped when it was done that everyone understood and knew that regardless of my decision I loved them and never intended to hurt anyone. I hope!!!!

APOV

I was running in the wilderness when it hit me; I screamed and fell to my knees. Jasper was with me in a second and Emmett was not far behind. "Alice!" Jasper screamed "Alice, baby what is it?" he screamed again "It's Edward, something has pushed him over the edge today. He has decided to write 2 notes, I guess you could say suicide notes and go to Italy." I told them "To the Volturi? Why is he doing this?" Emmett bellowed "I don't know Em, he wants to die. One note for us and one note for Bella. We have to get back now and stop him. Even if we have to tell him that Bella is coming for him. He can not decide to do this now, not when we are so close to having them both back. WE HAVE TO STOP THIS!!!!!!!!!" I screamed "How long we got?"  
"If we head back now, and run fast we should get there in time. Jazzy call the others, let's go. I think the tricky part will be getting him to listen once we get there. I am fairly certain we will make it time, if we hurry. But I'm still scared shitless. Let's get runnin. This will kill Bella if we do not stop it."  
I had to stop this, I could not let my brother destroy himself when he was so close to having the love of his life back. I will tell him she is on her way if I have to. Anything to stop him. If I could shed tears I would be right now, instead tearless sobs shook my body as I ran through the forest back towards Ithaca. I knew it was probley hopeless but I decided tp try his cell. It rung three times and than it just disconnected. This was bad. So I pushed myself and ran faster than I think I have ever run. I gotta fix this. I gotta make this right. I can no longer go on without Bella and I would never be the same without Edward.

A/N: Well I don't know how that turned out. I was really nervous about writing from Edward. I hope everyone enjoys it and I should have the next chapter up tomorrow evening. I got half of it done already. It is Bella finding out that they are indeed in New York and her deciding how to get there and all that she is going to do. I'm not sure yet if I am going to include Alice getting to Edward in that chapter or make it it's own chapter. Some people commented that I must have put alot of thought into this before writing it and the truth is I just sort of had a basis that I wanted Bella to go after him. And thats all I had planned, the rest I have made up while I typed it. The story has come together on its own. With out any pushes from me. When I started this I had no idea that Edward was going to become suicidal, it just sort of happened. I hope your not upset about that. You know Edward he is very dramatic and stubborn. BUT WE ALL LOVE HIM!!!! Also, I have been thinking about songs that remind me of each chapter and sometime this week I am going to post a playlist on my profile. So if you want to check it out thats great. I will leave a note on here when I have it posted. Thanks for reading my story it means alot. Reviews are love and I love getting them. 


	4. Chapter 4: Research

A/N: Sorry I am just now posting this. I was wanting so more reviews. For some reason I am finding it very hard to write from BPOV. I'll work on it. Also I want to add that I reread this again before I posted it and I decided that I did not like the first song I chose so I have changed it on my profile. I'll put chapter 5 up by Friday evening. Thanks again!!!

Going after him!!

Chapter 4: Research

BPOV

So here I sat at my decrepit computer. Edward use to always try to get me to let him buy me a new computer. Like I would ever do that. I loved everything about Edward, except the fact that he was so rich it was disgusting. He could probley buy this country. I loved it for him, that way he got whatever he wanted. The expensive cars he loved so much and the thousands upon thousands of CD's he owned. He probley owned every CD that has ever been made; except rap music of course. Like he would listen to that crap. The stereo system in his room alone probley cost more than everything in my whole room, hell probley my whole house. I loved that he was rich for those reasons. Because I wanted Edward to have everything he wanted, anything that made him happy. I hated that he was rich because he liked to buy me things and not just little cheap things here and there. No no not Edward he always wanted to buy me expensive things, like a brand new car. It took all I had to get him not to go out and buy me a brand new car. Not that I didn't love it when Edward did those things for me or that I didn't appreciate it. I just didn't think that I deserved it was all. I didn't even deserve him let alone him spending outrageous amounts of money on me. I already always felt inadeqoute next to Edward because of his looks and brilliance. Than on top of that he was so wealthy. That just made me even more below him. I never told him I felt this way. He would of flipped out. Even though I was just a distracion to him he would never want me to feel that way. He was a gentleman no matter what. I'm sitting here staring at this computer screen wishing I wasn't so nervous. I feel like I am going to go into a panic attack. All I am doing is looking up a damn university website. I mean damn it's not like I'm gonna find him on there (though he is smart enough to be a professor). If I find anything at all it will just be Carlisle. Which I guess if I am honest with myself that is exciting, that means I am closer to Edward. But was that really a reason to be going into a panic attack. Maybe I was just afraid that my dream was wrong and I had no clue to where any of them were. Yes, that does sound more like a reason to have a panic attack. STOP IT BELLA! He's there, think about it you know it's true. You can feel it. Probley cause where ever he is my soul is there too, following him around like a dog waiting for me to be there too. Be where I belonged. Which was where ever he was. Why didn't he see that. Or why was he so determined to ignore it. I've wasted enough time. So I click on the desktop icon for the internet and wait for it to load; than I went to my favorite search engine. Google of course.

I typed in Cornell University, hit enter and waited. Thats when the what ifs hit me. I wasn't changing my mind to fight for him; no I had done made up my mind on that. It was just now I was thinking of all the possible ways that could come up so that I don't find him or still don't get to be with him. What if my feeling is wrong and their not in New York. What if I can't find a way to go there? What if Charlie gives me hell? What if Alice sees this and they leave before I get there? What if they are not happy to see me? What if Edward is furious when he sees me? What if I can't be with him even after I find him? So many what if's. But I decided I didn't care and that I would just have to deal with the what if's when and if they happened. Now that I had made up my mind nothing was going to stop me from fighting for what I want. The website for Cornell came up and I skimmed throught the site looking for faculty and staff. I knew I was close to having my feelings confirmed. I came to an icon for professors and clicked on it, as soon as the screen page came up I seen him. How could you miss his beauty, even though I have seen him numerous times his beauty still stunned me. He was right there, the first Professor listed and it told a little about him. Carlisle Cullen 30 (yeah right) newly instated Head Professor of Medicine and Chief of Surgery. Professor Cullen has a wife Esme Cullen and four children Jasper, Alice, Emmett and Rosalie. He likes to spend his free time camping and hiking. I let out a breathe I hadn't realized I was holding in and smiled. Seeing him there on that page gave me a sudden boost in my determination and thankfully some more courage. I was curious and a bit freaked out to why Edward was not listed as one of his children. Where was he? Does this mean that he is not with the Cullens, that if I go there I still won't get to see him? Would they help me find him if he wasn't there? Oh well no reason to freat now, I will just deal with it as it comes. I wasn't gonna let this little thing stop me. I was so close. I closed my eyes and whispered Edwards name. It felt good to be half way me again and to actually think about my Edward. It still hurt a little but every step I took closer to finding him the less it hurt. Cause that meant not only would I be near him again but I would be complete. Now I just got to deal with Charlie.

I decided to go ahead and get together everything I intended on bringing with me. I know I still had to deal with Charlie; but I know me and as determined as my resolve is to fight for Edward, this will definitely become a time when I am my most stubborn. I would fight Charlie for Edward too. As much as I love my father and I do not want to hurt him this is just something I have to do. He will either be okay with it or deal with it. Luckily next week was spring break so I would be off of school. I would miss as much school as I needed for this trip. However the fact that it was Spring Break gave me more hope that I would not have to have a fight with Charlie and have to just leave. So I packed my comfy pajamas (sweats and a holey tee), and i'll admit some more rather girly ones (just in cause). Grabbed a couple change of panies and bras, couple change of clothes and socks. Got underneath my mattress and retrieved all the cash I had been saving and stuffed it in the bottom of my bag underneath my clothes. Than I grabbed my bag of toiletries and my copy of Wuthering Heights. Shoved all that in my bag and than I sat back down at my computer. I hadn't closed it down yet so I went to to see what the cheapest and quickest flight to New York was. I decided on the one that was leaving the next morning. It was going to cost me about $600, but he was worth it and I had money saved up so I could handle it. It was going to take me just about 12 hours to get to New York. I could of got a cheaper flight, but it would of took longer to get there and I would of had to make more stops. I would pay an extra $200 to get there faster. Now I was all set to go except Charlie. Everything packed: check, flight booked: check, telling Charlie: not checked. Well I gues theres no better time than the present. I was a stubborn person but I also did not like to upset people. That was going to be hard, I am so use to going out of my way to please people and not upset people that right now I am just gonna have to drop all that and for once just worry about myself. Better just get it over with that way I can at least get a little bit of sleep before I have to leave for the airport. My flight was at 8:55 am and I would be getting in New York about 8:30 pm. I decided that once I got there I would rent a car and check into a hotel. That way I could get more sleep and nice an cleaned up before I show up at Cornell to see Carlisle. Man I bet he is gonna be surprised. Nothing left to do now, so I closed down the computer and placed my bag by my bedroom door. I walked out the room and down the stairs without falling once believe it or not. Charlie was sitting in the living room watching a baseball game and eating pizza.

Charlie didn't even notice when I walked into the room. So I went over to the couch and sat down, he still didn't notice. So I loudly cleared my throat; that finally worked.  
"Hey Bells, what cha doin? I'm just watching the game. Do you want some pizza?" he says "No Dad and thanks anyway; but we need to talk. Can you turn the game off for a minute?" He looked apprehensive. He had no idea what he was about to hear and I know he won't like it.  
"Sure, what do you wanna talk about?" he asks while picking up the remote and turning off the tv.  
"Well Dad I know that I have kind of been a little out of it lately, and I want to apologize to you for that. That couldn't of been easy to see."  
"I was just so worried for you sweety. I was afraid that you would never come around and be yourself again."  
"Well I am still not completely myself again but I am working on that, and thats what I wanted to talk to you about. Just keep in mind that I love you Char.. Dad and I don't want to argue with you. But you also have to keep in mind that I am an adult now."  
"Your worriing me a little Bells."  
"I'm going to New York Dad. I am leaving tomorrow and I hope to be back by the end of the week before school restarts but I can't say for sure."  
At first he was just looking at me like I was speaking some foreign language, or maybe I said it so fast and all jumbled together that he didn't understand it. I was nervous after all. After a couple minutes he was still quiet so I decided to add some more information in there for him. I might as well get it all out there in the open. "Dad, I have decided that I am not okay with being without Edward. I know that he is in New York with the rest of the Cullen's and I am going there to talk to him. I miss him and every since the day he left I have felt like I was not complete. " "NOW YOU WAIT JUST A MINUTE..... Isabella Swan are you seriously telling me that 1 you expect me to be okay with you going alone across the country for an indefinite amount of time, and 2 that you are chasing after that BOY!!!" he yelled. "After he up and left you the way that he did, with barely a good bye and no way to contact him. You are seriously going to go to him. And what Isabella, beg him to be with you? He left remember." Those words stung more than he would ever know but there was no way I was going to let him yell at me and treat me like a child; or talk about Edward.  
"WAIT" i yelled. "Stop yelling at me right now. First off again I am an adult and technically I can go where I please. Second, you have no idea what hapened with me and Edward before he left. And it is not like he left me cause he didn't want me, his family moved away remember (i had to stay with the human cherade they played, even though they did leave cause Edward didn't want me anymore, does not mean Charlie needs to know that). Do you think maybe this was hard for him as well, maybe he didn't want to force me into a long distance relationship. Maybe he thought it was best to just end it now. Do you know what Edward Cullen was thinking? No, Charlie you do not. You have no idea how he is feeling right now." I was pretty sure he was fine; off with more distractions. But I was still resolved to fight for him and hearing Charlie yell at me and talk about Edward that way brought out my attitude and defiance tenfold. There was no way I was giving in. I was going and that was that.  
"Now, Dad I told you I did not want to fight with you, so are you really going to make me continue to do that?" he was just looking at me like I was some strange creature. "Listen Bella this is my house and you live under my roof and if I say you are not going to New York, thats it; your not going." he smirked. Did he really think I would back down from him. "Fine, Charlie! Do you want me to move my stuff out now or can I do it when I return?"  
His mouth dropped! I didn't want to do this but I would. He just didn't understand how I just didn't function right without Edward.  
"Look, Dad I love you, I do and I don't want to move out of your house, but I am going to New York. I know you probley think it is stupid and that I am to young to know that I am suppose to be with Edward but I am not. I do not function right without him Dad. Before I met him and any of the Cullen's for that matter; I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Like I didn't fit with anyone, not even with Renee or you. I love you both and your my parents but I have always felt that way. I never had any real friends at all. When I met Edward and than the rest of the Cullen's, it was the first time ever in my life I had real friends. People who actually understood me and liked me for me. Being with Edward is the only time I have ever felt truly happy and accepted my whole life and he made me feel that way. I know being with him is where I am suppose to be. I can't be without him. And if I have to beg, as you said; well, I might. Right now I would probley do anything to have him back in my life."  
At first he just looked at me with this look on his face, like he was sad or depressed or something in that area. When he started talking I almost cried. Charlie is like me and not one for big emotional displays so I knew this had to be awkward for him. "Bells, I guess I didn't realize that was how you felt. I honestly thought you were just upset over being dumped, not meaning to sound so harsh. I guess I should of knew better with you huh? I seen the two of you together, and honestly I was quite surprised when he left like that. It use to scare me the way you two were together. I could see it in both your eyes how much you both meant to the other. I ignored it most the time because I didn't want to think about you in that serious of a relationship. I made myself believe it was nothing. What a fool I was!"  
"It was love Dad, really. I don't mean to sound cheesy but I have no other way to say it except: My heart is gone, it is with him. It's like I can't properly breathe, I'm suffocating Dad. I need him. And I am going to see what I can do to fix that. My heart will always be his, no matter what the outcome of this trip is. My heart will go on, and beat for him only."  
"Okay, I can see how much this means to you, but Bella please be careful. Try to come back whole. I miss my daughter. I love you Bells."

I honestly couldn't believe it was that easy to convince Charlie to agree with me. Most of all though I couldn't believe I had just said all that to him. I was kind of embarassed. All those things I had just said to him I had never admitted to anyone. They were just feelings and thoughts I had and kept to myself. I went upstairs to get some sleep. I was exhausted. I had a very emotional day. Charlie told me before I came up here that he was proud of me for fighting for what I wanted and that if I needed anything while I was gone to just give him a call. He also said he would go into work late and take me to the airport. I had to get up at 5 to be able to get dressed, eat and be in Seattle on time. I was so excited, I was afraid I was not going to be able to sleep. So while I was laying here in bed thinking about Edward I cheated and did something I hadn't done in over 7 months. I started humming my lullaby that he wrote me. It felt so good to hear that familiar tune. I loved it so much, of course it was way better when Edward hummed it, this would work for now though. Hopefully soon I would be able to hear his perfect voice hum it. I fell asleep humming my lullaby thinking of my Edward. And I have to admit it was nice thinking about him. I missed him so much.

A/N: I just want to say sorry that the fourth paragraph is so long. I got into their converation and next thing I know it was that long. Please review!!!! And thank you to all the excellent reviews I have got so far and tips. It means alot to me. 


	5. Chapter 5: Letters

Going after him!

Chapter 5: Letters

EPOV

I was sitting here trying to write the letters to Bella and my family, I was having no such luck. Bella's letter was where I had started and her letter was where I was stuck. I have been sitting here for a little over an hour. Next to me was a pile of balled up pieces of paper. I honestly couldnt believe I was having so much trouble. I'm a vampire. We can do anything. But this one little letter to the love of my life was beating me. I was beyond infuriated. The problem I was having was that I felt like I was not saying how I felt about her the right way. All the words that were coming into my mind did not seem expressive enough, strong enough, or even good enough for my Bella and how I felt about her. How could I tell her in the right way that I had decided it was best for her if I ended my exsistence, but at the same time make sure she knows how hard it was and is to leave her. And how much I truly, deeply love her.

I want her to know exactly how I feel. I don't want to die or whatever it is now, knowing that the last thing she knew was that I didn't love her or want her. That was such an unbelievable lie and yet she had believed it. I seen it in her eyes, she really believed that I did not want her. Like that could ever be true. It was impossible. I loved her more than life itself, I was in love with her before I knew her. I'm also wondering if she'll even believe the letter when she reads it. What if she thinks I am just writing the letter out of guilt. I better add a little something in the note to my family for them to make sure she knows the truth. That has been the hardest thing about my departure. Making her think I did not care for her; such blasphemy. Alice would be sure to fix this when I was gone. She loved Bella to much, she wouldn't want her to think anything that would cause her any pain. I decided to just not think and just write and see what came out.

My Dearest Bella,

I am writing this letter to you in hopes that one day you can be truly happy like you deserve. Since the day I left you my world has been turned upside down. It has took everything I have in my body to keep from coming back to you everyday. It has been so hard to stay away from you, so many times I have found myself at an airport about to board a plane to Seattle and not even remember going there. Sometimes it is like my body is acting on it's own accord, like it is trying to get me back home. Which is with you. I have been around this earth for almost 110 years and I have lived in so many different countries and cities. But the only place that will ever truly be home to me will be Forks, Washington; because it is the place I met and fell in love with the reason for my existence. I have spent 7 months trying to find a good enough reason to stay away from you. It has been the hardest and most painful thing I have ever experienced. I have now ran out of reasons, except the fact that I want you safe.

I want you to have a happy normal life. I want you to be able to have everything you deserve, and I can not give you any of that. I can only love you with my whole being. But you my Bella deserve so so much more. You deserve the world. My only solace (though it pains be deeply to think of it) is hoping that one day you will find a guy that is good for you. Someone who can be your bestfriend (like I was), take care of you, be there for you, give you the family you deserve and hopefully love you at least half as much as I do. I wish more than anything that I could be everything you want and deserve, but unfortunately I can not and will never be able to do that. I am just grateful that in my long existence that I finally got to meet you. I am grateful that I fell in love with the most amazing, brilliant, funny and beautiful woman I have ever seen or met. I am grateful that I got to spend the time with you that I did. I do not think I will ever find words strong enough or deep enough to express to you how much I truly love you.

Just know that I do Bella, I love you so deeply and that love for you has been what keeps me going. Please don't ever believe the lies I told you when I left you that day. I do love you and I always want you. I left to keep you safe, and so you can have a happy life. My love for you is all consuming. But it is also my love for you that has lead me to my lastest decision. It is getting even harder everyday to stay away from you, but I need you to be safe. I honestly don't think it will be much longer before I drop all my resolve and come back to you and beg you to take me back. I am sorry to say this next part but it is true; as much as I want to I can not allow that to happen. There for I have decided that it is in your best interest if my existence is over.

I can not continue to live and keep you safe. I had always thought that I would stay away from you while you lived your life but as soon as you left this world I would follow. I thought I was stronger than I am Bella. I thought I could stay at a distance to keep you safe and I can not. I am weak and as long as I keep living I will always fight with myself to come back to you and I know that I will not be able to resist for long. But you have to be safe. You safe and happy is the very most important thing to me, and I will gladly give up my existence to be sure of that. I love you Bella. Do not be sad, be happy and live and enjoy life. But always know that I have always loved you and will always love you with everything that I am; even after I am gone from here. BE SAFE!!!!!!!

With all my love

EC

I had just finished the letter to Bella and was about to start the letter to my family when I heard it. "Edward" it was Alice screaming my name in her thoughts. "Edward, please stop. You have to listen to me. I have something I have to tell you. Don't be rash, don't do anything stupid" she thought. How out of it am I lately. I was so distracted by my decision and writing my letter to Bella; I had completely forgot about Alice and her visions. Of course she would of seen this, she seen it the moment I made the decision. What a fool I have been. I have to hurry and get out of here. I only have about 5 minutes. Luckily where I am going I do not need anything. I grabbed another sheet of paper and a pen and jotted down a few words.

I am so sorry. I don't want to hurt anyone or cause anyone pain, especially you Esme; you are my mother always. But I can no longer do this. It is too hard and painful. Please make sure Bella gets her letter and please make sure she knows how much I truly love and care for her. Thank you for everything. I love you all.

EC

I left the note next to Bellas and sat my cell phone on the table. I ran out the back door as fast as I could and headed into the woods. Just as I was about to jump across the river, I was slammed from the side by something huge. Just as I heard "Oh no you don't Edward." It was Emmett and I could hear Jasper close by thinking he knew I would try to run. "Your not going anywhere Edward." Emmett thought. "Leave me alone Emmett. You don't understand."  
"Look Edward, you can come back willingly and talk to Alice or me and Jasper can take you back, by force. Your faster, but not stronger." Just than Jasper walked up "Your going with us. Alice has something really important to discuss with you. This decision you made, it's ridiculous. Your going back with us and thats all there is to it. We will make you." Jaspers thoughts were furious. Wow!

"Okay, get the hell off me Emmett. I will go back and talk to her. But I am not promising you that I am staying." "We'll see about that" Emmett thought.  
"Whatever Em, let's get this over with. I got plans." I can't believe I forgot about Alice. I should of run as soon as I made the decision. I could of sent the letters to them after I got them wrote and they could of made sure my Bella got hers. Now I had to waste time listening to Alice rant. I needed to put my plan in motion. The sooner the better, the sooner I was gone the sooner there was no longer a threat to my dearest Bella. I was only gonna give Alice so much time. Nothing she had to say was going to change my mind, there was nothing she could say that would make me stay.

A/N: This chapter is not like I had it planned. I had part of it wrote the other day but I did not like it much when I was going over it so I deleted it and started the whole thing over. Edward just kinda got away from me. I wasn't actually planning on writing the letters. This chapter was suppose to be Alice saving him pretty much. So therefore the song I had first picked out when I had started writing does not match at all. It will be for chapter 6 and I will add a new song for this chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I loved writing it. I love Edwards point of view. The letters were very hard for me to write and when I reread them I got a little teary eyed. Thanks for reading my story and please leave reviews. Reviews are love!!!!! I added to songs on the playlist under chapter 5. I couldn't decided which one I liked best, which was best suited for this chapter. So please let me know which one you think it should be. Or if there is a song you think would be better for this chapter than the 2 I listed. Let me know okay. Thank you. Can't wait to hear what you think about this chapter. Also, sorry it is not as long as the others. I felt it was best to leave it off here, with Edward still mourning you could say. I got a feeling here soon (or eventually) he might be a lot happier. HEE! HEE!! We could have more drama you never know. 


	6. Chapter 6: LISTEN!

Going after him!

Chapter 6: LISTEN!

APOV

I shouldn't of started yelling at Edward before we got to the house. If I would of just went there and than confronted him Jazz and Em would not be out trying to catch him. It seems he wasn't paying attention and had actually forgotten that I would of seen his decision. He must really be conflicted. I am going to have to tell him that Bella is coming. I think that is the only hope. Only she can save him now. I walked into his room and was looking around, trying to see if he had taken anything with him. I hoped Emmett and Jasper had been able to get to him. If he was actually headed straight to Volterra and they hadn't caught him I had no idea what we were going to do. Bella would be our only hope but we wouldn't have time to wait for her to get here. I walked over to his desk and looked around; noticing that he left his cellphone. Never a good sign. Underneath his phone looked like a couple letters. I picked the first one up and read it:

I had seen the vision of him doing this but him actually doing it and me seeing, the pain was beyond words. I looked around a little bit more and thats when I noticed a whole pile of crumbled up letters. There was no way it took him that many times to write this note to us. I started looking around on his desk again and there it was

My Dearest Bella,

I am writing this letter to you in hopes that one day you can be truly happy like you deserve. Since the day I left you my world has been turned upside down. It has took everything I have in my body to keep from coming back to you everyday. It has been so hard to stay away from you, so many times I have found myself at an airport about to board a plane to Seattle and not even remember going there. Sometimes it is like my body is acting on it's own accord, like it is trying to get me back home. Which is with you. I have been around this earth for almost 110 years and I have lived in so many different countries and cities. But the only place that will ever truly be home to me will be Forks, Washington; because it is the place I met and fell in love with the reason for my existence. I have spent 7 months trying to find a good enough reason to stay away from you. It has been the hardest and most painful thing I have ever experienced. I have now ran out of reasons, except the fact that I want you safe.

I want you to have a happy normal life. I want you to be able to have everything you deserve, and I can not give you any of that. I can only love you with my whole being. But you my Bella deserve so so much more. You deserve the world. My only solace (though it pains be deeply to think of it) is hoping that one day you will find a guy that is good for you. Someone who can be your bestfriend (like I was), take care of you, be there for you, give you the family you deserve and hopefully love you at least half as much as I do. I wish more than anything that I could be everything you want and deserve, but unfortunately I can not and will never be able to do that. I am just grateful that in my long existence that I finally got to meet you. I am grateful that I fell in love with the most amazing, brilliant, funny and beautiful woman I have ever seen or met. I am grateful that I got to spend the time with you that I did. I do not think I will ever find words strong enough or deep enough to express to you how much I truly love you.

Just know that I do Bella, I love you so deeply and that love for you has been what keeps me going. Please don't ever believe the lies I told you when I left you that day. I do love you and I always want you. I left to keep you safe, and so you can have a happy life. My love for you is all consuming. But it is also my love for you that has lead me to my lastest decision. It is getting even harder everyday to stay away from you, but I need you to be safe. I honestly don't think it will be much longer before I drop all my resolve and come back to you and beg you to take me back. I am sorry to say this next part but it is true; as much as I want to I can not allow that to happen. There for I have decided that it is in your best interest if my existence is over.

I can not continue to live and keep you safe. I had always thought that I would stay away from you while you lived your life but as soon as you left this world I would follow. I thought I was stronger than I am Bella. I thought I could stay at a distance to keep you safe and I can not. I am weak and as long as I keep living I will always fight with myself to come back to you and I know that I will not be able to resist for long. But you have to be safe. You safe and happy is the very most important thing to me, and I will gladly give up my existence to be sure of that. I love you Bella. Do not be sad, be happy and live and enjoy life. But always know that I have always loved you and will always love you with everything that I am; even after I am gone from here. BE SAFE!!!!!!!

With all my love

EC

OH MY GOD!!!! I honestly think my cold, dead heart is breaking. If I could produce actual tears, they would be pouring down my face. The agony of seeing his pain in the form of a goodbye letter to the love of his life was cripling. It literally caused me pain to read this and I doubled over and layed down on the floor and started rocking myself. I think maybe I underestimated Edwards feelings. Not that I ever doubted his love for Bella. I knew it was there and I knew it was true, but the depth of the pain he was in is phenominal. Even I, all knowing Alice didn't know it ran that deep. Maybe I thought because he had willingly left her that maybe it wasn't as bad as it would of been if she had left him. What a fool I am! Or maybe I am so consumed by my love for Jasper it is hard for me to believe anyone could love someone as much as I love him. What a fool!!! I couldn't believe my brother was in this much pain for this long, and I was mad at him and blamed him all along. After reading this letter I understand more now why he left, I still don't agree; Bella made her choice. It should be up to both of them not just Edward. But I did understand. If I would of known it was this bad I would of interfered no matter how mad he got.

All I knew for sure now though was that some how I had to stop Edward from putting his latest plan into action. I loved Edward so much, not like I loved Jasper of course. And outside of everyone in the family besides the couples obviously; me and Edward were the closest. I was my brother in everyway. There was nothing I wouldn't do for him. I had never let him down before and I was not going to start now. I helped him when we first met Bella and I had not let him down then or any other time in the past 50 years and I was not about to let that change. I would find a way to fix this if Em and Jazz didn't catch him. There is nothing I wouldn't do or no lengths I wouldn't go to. For some reason I felt like this was all my fault. Like I some how could of prevented this.

I have no idea how long I had lay here in a ball tearlessly weeping for my brother and my bestfriend, but the next thing I was conscious of besides my own thoughts was Jasper. "Alice, Alice Baby what's the matter. Talk to me. Did someone hurt you?" he said while picking me up.  
"Edward!" I cried. "Jazzy please tell me you caught Edward before he got too far, I just don't know what I will do. I need to talk to Edward right now. What are we going to do Jazzy. How are we going to stop him?"  
"Alice, love calmdown w.  
"I'm right here Alice. What is so important that we have to talk. Nothing you say will.." I stopped whatever he was saying by flinging myself at him. I just had to hug him right now. "Oh! Edward."  
"Come on Alice. Get off me and tell me what it is that you wanted." He snarled at me.

"Edward, first I want to say I am so sorry. I think I underestimated how much pain you are in. I don't know why, but I did. It's not that I doubt your love for her or how much you miss her so get that look off your face Edward. I just didn't know you hurt so bad. I feel horrible for being mad at you this whole time. I read the letter you wrote Bella. Edward I am so sorry. Just reading your pain and longing in that letter brought me to my knees."  
"So thats why Jasper found you curled up in ball sobbing?" he asked "Yes, Edward. You have to listen to me, this plan you have. It is no good."  
"Look Alice I am not changing my mind. If you think that I came back here for you to try this pity shit on me about not knowing how hurt I was so I will change my mind, it's not going to work. You read the letter you said, well that should be explanation enough. I've made my decision."

"Why are you just shutting us out Edward. We all love you and want to help you, we would do anything for you. We would never let you down, but you are not reciprocating that action. We stayed away from her for you, no matter how we felt about it. We can help Edward. Please! don't do this." Emmett pleaded. Who would ever think Emmett would be pretty much begging. That should prove something, if nothing else did.  
"Is there nothing we can do. Edward, please! Theres nothing at all we can do to stop you from making this horrendous mistake. You think Bella is going to be okay with this. If you do this and we get your letter to her what do you think she is going to do? Actually move on? Are you a moron? She'll go jump off a cliff or something just so she can be with you. Don't you get that?" I screamed at him.  
"I'm not going to listen to this Alice. I don't have to and I am not going to. I've made my decision. This is my life and my choice. I'm sorry, but I have got to go."

I let him walk out his bedroom door, and right when I knew he was about to walk out the door I thought the one thing that I had sworn I was gonna keep from, but also the one thing I knew would stop him. "She's coming Edward. She's on her way here, for you." After I thought it I just sat there and waited. I could tell by the way they were looking at me that Jasper and Emmett were frantic. They had no idea what I had told him with my thoughts, they thought I was just letting him leave. "ALICE" Emmett whined and I just shook my head at him. What else could we do, it was up to Edward now.

EPOV

I walked out of my bedroom and walked down the stairs. I felt so bad, but I had to do this. "She's coming Edward. She's on her way here, for you." Alice thought while I was walking out the door. I just froze. I had no idea what to do. Of course I knew who she was talking about. To me there was no other she that mattered, just my Bella. But my Bella coming here, what was this about and who was responsible for this. I wasn't sure if I was gloriously happy and excited or infuriated. Didn't I leave her so she would be safe but here she was on her way to where we were. What if this was just Alice's way of getting a different response from me. I suddenly felt ill, like I was going to pass out; if that was possible for a vampire I am sure I would do just that now. Theres no way she would do that to me. I was furious that she might lie to me about something so important just to yell at me some more. Why did I feel this way, is it possible that I wish it was true? Idiot! of course I wanted it to be true. It's my Bella and I love her so much. I swear if Alice is lying I will rip her head off.

I ran upstairs silently, of course. I had to talk to Alice and I had to talk to her now. I stopped before I walked in and took a deep breathe to calm myself down. I was slowly working myself into a frenzy. I didn't know what to think or believe, and I was no longer sure what I was going to do. I was also sure Alice knew this and that is why she along with Emmett and Jasper were blocking their thoughts from me. I calmed myself down and walked through the door. "Took you long enough." Alice snorted.  
"Alice, if this is just some ploy to delay me, I swear....."  
"It's not Edward." she cut me off "She is on her way here. She will be here tomorrow morning." she whispered in a loving voice. I just stood there looking at her at first. I wasn't quite sure what to say. Was this good or bad. So I just said the first thing that came to me that made any sense. "Who did this Alice, why is this happening. I thought I told everyone to leave her alone. I promised her peace." I shouted.  
"First off Edward, I don't think sending the love of your life a suicide letter, knowing how much they love you counts as peace. And nobody did this, regardless of how stupid your request, No I should say your demand to leave Bella alone was we never broke it." she shot right back and you could hear the venom in her voice. She was in pain too.

"She made this decision on her own. I don't know how she found out where we are Edward, but she did. And she has decided to come here and see us. But it's you she is really coming for. In the vision I saw she whispered your name at the end and she just had this look. Longing, love, determination and more. It's you Edward, she is not willing to give you up without a fight, even if she is fighting you." she said in barely more than a whisper. Wow, my Bella was fighting for me, was fighting me for me. Thats just weird, but amazing. I felt euphoric. For some reason at this moment, knowing that she was not willing to give up on me; I was having trouble remembering why I was not with her this very second, why I had left in the first place. She loved me. SHE LOVED ME!!! Despite the fact that I was a monster, despite the fact that I had left her broken hearted. And I loved her. I LOVED HER. My Bella. So why weren't we together. Isn't loving each other so completely all we need, shouldn't that be enough? I could protect her, I would protect her.

"Edward" Emmett's worried voice broke me out of my epiphany.  
"Edward, what are you going to do?" Alice asked.  
"When is she going to be here and where is she going?" They all just looked at me like I had just given them the best news they had ever heard. Hell I might have, they were getting rest of their family back. "She is flying here tonight and she will be landing in about 2 hours. Than she was going to stay at a hotel over night and drive over to Cornell tomorrow and see Carlisle. Everyone knows already, we were going to keep it from you, thats why we went hunting so we wouldn't slip and you hear one of us think about it. We were afraid that you would of ran away. Carlisle is already planning on meeting her there and bringing her here." Alice told me.

"Well Alice you were right, if I would of found out before all my resolve cracked, and desperately wanting what I foolishly thought was best for her. I had talked myself into and committed myself to having myself killed so I wouldn't go back than I probley would of ran off. But I can't do it anymore. She wants me, she can have me. I can't fight my feelings any longer." "Oh Edward that is amazing. I can't wait to tell Esme and Carlisle. This is the right thing to do Edward. It is really. Regardless of the fact that Bella is a human, you two were made for each other. I have known it all along. Edward, I just wish you would of listened to me. I told you, no we all told you that you sh......."  
"I know Alice, I know. I have been a complete idiot. I won't make the mistake again. Promise."

I asked the three of them if they would give me a few minutes alone. I needed to think of the perfect way for welcoming Bella. She needed to know immediately that I was sorry for hurting her and that I would never do it again. It was amazing how this morning I was still resolved on staying away from her and now mere hours later I am thinking of the best way to get her back. It was amazing how 10 little words saved my existence and everyone I know enormous pain. "She's coming Edward. She's on her way here, for you." Those words were my savior, and they would forever be some of the most important words I had ever heard. My Bella was coming, for me. I can't fight it anymore, there was no way that was possible. I have to be with her, and if what Alice is saying is true about her coming her to fight for me. It seems she can't be without me anymore either. I don't think I have ever felt so happy, but I am sure that after I see her that will change and it won't be the first time. I had just the plan, and I hoped it went as smoothly I wanted it too. Everything had to be perfect for my Bella.

A/N: Next chapter is going to be great I think. I got a song for EPOV for this chapter too that I am going to add to the playlist. I want to say thanks to reyrey95 she always reviews and seems to truly love this story as much as I do. She gave me a great idea that I think in some way is going to fall into the story. And I am really excited for it. Now I'm not trying to sound pesky but I am not going to update again with chapter 7 until I get at least 15 more reviews. Everyone that has reviewed has seemd to like it so I am actually starting to believe it is good. I seriously doubted myself at first. So I would really like some more reviews. So please tell othe people you talk to about my story and ask them to read it if you truly like it. I am truly excited about this story and I find myself constantly thinking about it and what might work for it. Very distracting when you have kids to tend too and house to clean. So please lets help me get the reviews up. I truly appreciate every review I get.. Thanks so much. Sorry if i missed any errors when I was proof reading it. 


	7. Chapter 7: Welcome

Going After him!

Chapter 7: Welcome

EPOV

I was standing here at the airport waiting for Bella's flight to come in. I was so nervous. I still couldn't believe that my love was coming here, for me. The things I felt just thinking about her fighting for me; as Alice put it. This woman made me feel so many things. Every since I met here or seen her more like, I have felt so many emotions that were unknown to me. Feelings that in 108 years of existence I had not yet experienced. What a miserable existence I have had up until I met her. Even these last 7 months without Bella in my life were better than the 108 years before her; at least I felt these feelings. At least I knew what they were, how each one made you feel. At least I knew there was something better out there, true happiness; even if I took myself away from it. I still knew it was there, she was there. I couldn't get over how nervous I was, who ever heard of a nervous vampire. It's ridiculous. I still had an hour until her plane landed. But I couldn't sit in that house and wait any longer.

Everyones thoughts were making me more nervous than I already was, if that was even possible. I was terrified of rejection, I was terrified that Alice was wrong and that Bella had not made this trip for me. That it was just a coincidence that she was coming here, maybe just for school or something. She was smart enough to get into Cornell. I was so scared that when she got here she wouldn't want me and than I would be crushed. But it would be all my fault, I left her to begin with. I would deserve it if she couldn't take me back, ever trust me again. If she truly believed that I didn't love her or want her than only I was to blame. I would let her be and hope she would be happy. Hopefully if she didn't want me she could be happy sometime without me, but for me if I didn't have her I could never and would never be happy again. But as long as she was happy than that was enough. Better than when I knew I left her heartbroken. I would be able to live through that; I think. I was terrified of all these things, but I was still so anxious to see her beautiful face, those deep chocolate brown eyes that I loved so much. MY BELLA! MY HOME!

BPOV

I was on the last leg of my journey to New York. We had to stop in Michigan. Sitting around an airport in Michigan for 3 hours was pure torture. I was so desperate to see or hear any one of the Cullen's that I kinda wished I wouldn't of made myself forget their phone numbers. I was weak right now and I would of given in and called one of them. I was so glad when it was time to board the plane. I sat down in my seat for my flight to New York (silently rejoicing that I was almost there). I was lucky and this flight wasn't cram packed and I didn't have anyone crowding me on either side of me. Maybe a good omen!! I was starting to get real anxious to the fact that I still wouldn't see any of them until tomorrow. And even than I was only guaranteed to see Carlisle. As much as I would of loved to see Alice, Esme, Emmett or especially Edward, if the only one I got to see was Carlisle I would take it, I would even take only seeing Rosalie without complaints. At least it would be something. If no one else wanted to see me I would at least make sure Carlisle knew I was not giving up on Edward. Maybe he would tell Edward what I said and how I felt. Maybe if he knew I was willing to fight for him, for us he would realize what a fool he's been.

I could only hope and dream for that to happen. Edward made it pretty clear that he didn't want me anymore. Didn't he? But if he had than why was I on my way to try to get him back. That was a good question, obviously he hadn't made it that clear. Cause here I was on a plane to New York, to go to his fathers work so that I could see him. Was I bein a fool? There were two options. One: He didn't want anything to do with me anymore and he would be furious when I showed up here; or Two: He was sorry and regretting leaving me, he missed me and loved me and he was going to welcome me with open arms. I was more willing to believe the first one. For many reasons, but mainly because if the second option was true than why hadn't he come back to me yet?

And thats how I spent the next three hours, arguiing with myself on how Edward would react to me just showing back up in his life. I loved him so much and wanted so bad to believe the first option. For him to be happy that I was here. But for some reason I couldn't, I couldn't make myself believe that this decision I had spontaneously made was going to make him happy. All I kept coming back to was: Than why did he leave me in the first place, and if he regretted it why hadn't he returned? He knew where I was, he knew I loved him, that he was my life.

So when it was actually time to get off the plane I was feeling pretty apprenhensive. I had done argued myself into a frenzy. Could I really take the rejection. That man was my life, he was my everything. I lived to love him. I got off the plane and was making my way down through the airport. I was damn near about to turn around and go buy a ticket back to Forks. Go back home and just continue on with my miserable existence. If he ever decided he wanted me than he would know where to find me. Right? Good plan? Why risk the pain, the further breaking of my heart. What was wrong with me in the first place to even let myself agree with this ludicrous idea. It was stupid and cruel to do this to myself. Did I want to return to my zombie-like state of mind? I liked feeling alive again, but the only reason I felt alive was because I thought I was going to see Edward again.

Did I make the wrong or right decision? I stopped walking and was just standing there now. Was he worth this? Was he worth all the pain that this could cause me, the depression I would certainly sink back into if this failed to go the way I wished it would? The risk of my own sanity if he rejected me. I felt as if I couldn't live without him already, what would another devastating blow do? I'd probley want to throw myself off a cliff. Honestly that'd be better than living without him; I didn't have a life without him anyway. I didn't even have to think for a second to know that answer. Of course he was worth it. He was worth anything, I would do and risk anything to just see or hear his voice again.

People were starting to stare at me and make me feel uncomfortable. I turned to walk away from that spot and maybe go sit in one of the restaurants or something to get control of my emotions before I decided what I was going to do. And thats when I saw it, just out of the corner of my eye mid turn; but I saw it. Untidy bronze hair, so beautiful and sexy. I froze mid step staring at the head full of hair that I loved so much standing tall over everyone elses. Could I be imagining things. Was this my minds way of deciding to go through with the original plan, or is this it and I have finally gone crazy. What was I suppose to do. This was obviously some sort of trick my mind was playing on me. He couldn't really be here. The crowd was beginning to thin out and I didn't want everyone staring at me again so I again turned to walk away, when of course; as if I wasn't already attracting enough attention to myself. I tripped over my own feet and was gonna fall flat on my face. There you go Bella, that will sure get the attention off you. But before I could make contact with the floor I felt the most amazing thing. Two cold strong arms wrapped around me, the most familiar touch to me. My angel! My angel was here and he saved me from busting my face. Theres no way I could ever mistake those arms.

Next thing I know I was looking into the beautiful, perfect face of my Edward. He was even more beautiful than I remembered. And he smelled phenomenal. Ahhhh! I was home. I looked up into those topaz eyes when I heard it, his amazing velvet voice.  
"Bella, love." Oh heaven, I could die right now and be a happy woman. I was in Edwards arms, smelling his intoxicating smell, looking into his dazzling eyes and best of all he called me love!!!! Here was my angel holding me in his arms. I don't even think I can comprehend everything I am feeling right now. He was actually here, oh my god I think I think I am going to pass out.

"Bella, my love, Breathe!" he chuckled. I of course blushed. I forgot to breathe. No wonder I felt like I was about to pass out. The effect this man had on me was mindblowing and very embarassing.  
"Edward?"  
"Yes, Bella." he whispered in my ear and I realized I was still in his arms. Neither one of us had even attempted to move the position we were in. I blushed furiously again and righted myself up while extracting myself from his wonderful arms. I immediately felt a lose. So I moved closer and looked up at him. "Your really here Edward? Or is this just the most amazing dream?"  
He chuckled lightly again but looked uncomfortable. Than he stepped closer and snaked his arms back around me. I immediately felt safe and whole again. He seemed to exhale and relax into me. Could it be possible that the reason he looked uncomfortable was because he felt the same thing I felt when I pulled myself out of his embrace. I couldn't help but smile at that thought. I was pulled from my thoughts by his velvet voice. "I'm here Bella, it's really me. This is no dream my love." I smiled even bigger. I was still his love. He was really here, I was in his arms and he kept calling me love. I looked into his eyes again and he met my stare.

The depth of his topaz eyes was limitless, I got lost in them. And he seemed to do the same in mine. And than the most amazing thing of all happened. "Oh my Bella, my love." he whispered and than slammed his lips onto mine. I kissed him back with all I had while reaching up and tangling my hands in his messy bronze hair. I almost passed out again from lack of oxygen, but there was no way I was breaking this kiss unless it was absolutely necessary. We had never kissed like this before. So passionate. When we finally parted I was panting and realized that Edward was holding me up. Sometime during the kiss my legs had went out and he was supporting my weight. I chuckled, trying to gain control of my erratic breathing. How embarassing, he literally made me weak in the knees. Edward was trying to compose himself too, but would not let go of me. I wasn't complaining one bit let me tell you. I could stay in his arms forever and be perfectly content.

I bet the whole airport had watched that greeting. But right now at this moment I was way to happy to care how much people were watching me. I looked back up at Edward and his topaz eyes were now black. Not with thirst though, with lust; lust for me. I felt even happier in that second than I think I ever have. I liked making Edward feel like this. If I had ever made him feel this way before I was ignorant to it cause he had never let me know. I could see it in his eyes how much he wanted me. So I immediately thought that there was no better time than now to say what I needed to say. I kept looking at his eyes as I started talking. "Edward, I love you! I love you so much and I need you. I don't care if you say you don't want me or if you think your no good for me. Whatever your reason is, I don't care Edward, I don't care. I won't give you up without a fig........"  
"SHHH!! Bella. I love you. But we'll talk about this later, not here." he said cutting me off mid speech and motioning around the packed airport.

He smiled my beautiful crooked smile, but it was a little off and I wondered what the problem was. His eyes though, they were no longer black; they were back to topaz and all I could see in them was love and happiness. And for now that put a stop to my mind running away with crazy tthoughts. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all. Maybe I was freaking out for no reason. "Let's get out of here." Edward said. He grabbed my bags in one hand while his other hand held mine. I just nodded and smiled. We took off walking towards the exit, when Edward suddenly stopped and I was jerked to a stop next to him. Before I had a chance to ask him what the hell was wrong I heard a deafening screech; than Alice Cullen screaming.

Yes, screaming in the middle of the crowded airport. I felt Edward flinch and tense up.  
"EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN, HOW DARE YOU COME HERE WITHOUT TELLING US, OR LETTING US COME WITH YOU!!!!!!" she screeched. Standing there with her was the entire Cullen family and they all looked livid. I looked at Edward and he actually looked scared. I couldn't help myself I just busted out laughing. The look on his face was priceless. Than I felt 6 pairs of eyes on me. I tured back to look at the Cullen's and they were all smirking at me. "What?" I asked "Bella, I missed you so much." Alice screamed and the next thing I know I saw a blur of black, my hand was ripped from Edwards and I was on my back with Alice on top of me hugging me. This was great, I missed Alice and all but hadn't I attracted enough attention to myself today. I was sure to be attracting even more now, great just what I wanted. Way to go Alice.

"Get the hell off her Alice. Your smashing her." Edward growled and than the weight of Alice was gone.  
"Oh relax Edward I wasn't hurting her. Was I Bella?" Alice snapped back.  
"I'm fine Edward really, but could we please get out of here now. Between myself and you two I think I have had enough attention on me in this airport. I wanna go now."  
Edward just shook his head, apologized to Alice for overreacting and grabbed my hand again. We followed the rest of the Cullen's out of the airport into the parking garage. But when we got there it was a completely different story than in the busy airport. Everyone started bombarding me and Edward with questions and than finally Emmett just snatched me up and squeezed me. "I missed you so much squirt. Things have not been the same without you around." Emmett all but yelled. I just started laughing and he set me back down. I felt off not being next to Edward so I walked back over to him and wrapped my arm in his, but while I was in the process he wrapped me in his arms. It was like he didn't like to not be touching me either and I was perfectly okay with that.

Finally, Carlisle spoke up over everyone rambling, I didn't even know what everyone was talking about they were all just sort of talking at the same time at all of us at once. Also, I was to preoccupied with being in Edwards arms again to really pay attention. "Okay, everyone is excited we got it. But honestly I can barely understand anyone so I am sure Bella barely can too. Lets go back to the house and we can all talk and catch up real quick before we give Bella and Edward time to talk." Carlisle said. Everyone agreed so we all walked to various cars. I went and rode in the Volvo with Edward of course. Nobody would be able to pry me from him for a while. I sat down in the car and it felt so good to be back in here. All the memories, I loved this car. "I missed this car." I stated, I didn't even realize I was going to say that out loud. O-well it was the truth.  
"I can still smell you in it." He said so softly I wasn't sure I was even suppose to hear. I just looked up at him and smiled. It felt so good to be in the car with him again; even if it was a little awkward because we obviously needed to talk.

"Edward, do you have a cell phone on you that I can use? I need to call Charlie and let him know that I got here so he doesn't worry." I asked. He just shook his head and reached over to the glove box and pulled out a phone. He handed it to me and smiled. It was kind of breaking my heart because it was still off and I didn't know what the problem was. I quickly opened the phone and dialed Charlies number. He picked up on the third ring. "Hello." Charlie said "Hey Dad it's me. I just wanted to call and let you know that I got here okay and I am actually with Edward on my way to the Cullen's house."  
"Your with Edward already?" he asked "Yeah, well he was at the airport waiting for me when I got off the plane."  
"How did he know you were going to be there? I thought you didn't know how to contact him by phone?"  
"Well, I remembered Alices cell phone and called her and she wasn't suppose to tell him, but obviously she did because there he was. So that's that. I'll call you when I know when I'll be back. I love ya Dad."  
"Okay, Love you too Bells. Please be careful. I still worry about you, especially with him. You weren't right Bells and honestly your probley still not."  
"Alright I got it Dad. I got to go. BYE!" and I hung up the phone. I knew Edward heard what he said. And I was so embarassed, I didn't want to bring up how I was until we talked. And I definitely didn't want him to hear anything from anyone but me. I sneaked a look at him out of the corner of my eye and he had this hurt look on his face, mixed in with a digusted look. He was also clenching the steering wheel so tight I was afraid it was going to snap off.

So I reached over and put my hand over his and he immediately relaxed and loosened his grip on the steering wheel. I knew that I needed to say something to him, but I also knew that once this conversation got started it wouldn't be able to stop until it was all said and done. And it was obvious no one was going to let us talk right away. So I just kept my hand on his and squeezed it ever few minutes. Trien the best I could to reassure him that it was all going to be okay, plus I wanted to touch him. We made the rest of the trip to the Cullen house in silence. I knew when we were getting close because we seemd to be driving in the forest. Of course the Cullens would live somewhere similiar to where they lived in Forks. We pulled up to the house and it was very similiar to the house in Forks. Maybe a little bit bigger, and the yard was bigger. It was perfect though and you could look at it and it just said Cullen. If I would of seen a picture of this house it would of made me think of them. I made to get out of the Volvo and Edward gently grabbed my arm. I looked back at him and I swear if he could shed tears it looked like he would be crying. It broke my heart to see my Edward hurting like this. Maybe he doesn't want me here, and just doesn't know how to tell me. "Edward, what is wrong? Why are you so sad? I can leave. I did not come here to hurt or upset you in anyway. I just well.  
"No Bella, I am truly happy that you are here. I love you so much my silly Bella. I just wanted to tell you that I know we really need to talk, so I will not let them keep us for long. In half hour or so we will go talk and get everything out in the open okay. Just know that I am not putting it off and we will talk soon. I promise. I do love you Bella, I really do."  
"Let's just get this over with so we can be alone, oh and Edward. I love you too!!!"

We got out of the car after that and Edward walked over and wrapped his arms around me. I loved all the Cullens and I wanted to see them, but I agreed with Edward. I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible so that we could talk. I felt alive again being near him, but something was still not right and I was sure that thing was the fact that no matter that I was here and he said he loved me, I still did not know where we stood. Would we be together or not? I just wanted to talk to Edward than spend time with the Cullens. Maybe thats why Edward seemd sad, he like me didn't know where we stood. Could he possibly be feeling the same way I was?

A/N: I know it has been a while since I updated but I wanted more reviews. I still did not get as many as I wanted but I honestly missed the story. So I still want Reviews people please!!!! I am also working on a new story, but do not fret I will not slack on this one. It is my baby and I want it to be perfect, or as perfect as I can get it. I will let you know about the new story when I get it worked out a little bit more. Please leave reviews and I hope those of you that are new to it like and the ones that are just reading the new chapter are not disappointed. REVIEWS REVIEWS PLEASE!!!! 


	8. Chapter 8: Love and Lust

Going After Him!

Chapter 8: Love and Lust

BPOV

We walked into the Cullen house and of course everyone was already there. They of course ran in at vampire speed; while me and Edward walked in at my slow human pace. They were all seated in the living room. Esme and Carlisle were cuddled together on the loveseat. Alice was sitting in Jaspers lap in one of the big chairs and Rosalie was sitting in Emmett's lap on the other big chair. That left me and Edward the whole couch. Everyone was staring at us. I wish I had Edward's special ability right in this moment so I could read all their minds and know what everyone was thinking. Edward was giving nothing away on his face, just depressing me.

He just led me over to the couch, wrapped his arms around me and sat us down. I looked back over at Edward to give him a smile and maybe tell him I loved him; but stopped instantly. He still just looked so sad, tormented even. There was no way he was happy about me being here. Sure I was feeling a little awkward, because I knew there was still a lot to talk about. I was nowhere near sad though. This was suppose to be a happy thing; at least that is what it was for me and he was ruining that. Here he sat looking just plain miserable. It was breaking my heart; why was he doing this. He didn't need to pretend for my benefit. Why was he holding me and kissing my temple. Why was he telling me he loved me if none of it was true? Didn't he realize this was hurting me, and it would be better to just be honest. Did he even care at all about me.

All I wanted was for him to be happy. Maybe I should just talk and visit with the Cullen's for a few and than leave. Just go to my hotel, get some sleep and than go back to Forks. If I was making him this miserable, than I would just remove myself. Yes, thats exactly what I would do. It would be hard to get myself to be able to leave him, but if it made him happy than thats what was important. I just wanted Edward happy. This time I would make the same promise he had made me when he left. He'd never hear from me again. And I like him would keep my promise. I'd say goodbye and give him his peace. Even if it killed me inside. At least I got to see him and kiss him one more time.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

JPOV

I think I am going to kill myself. The emotions in this room are driving me insane. Sometimes I hate being an empath. The emotions that were rolling off of Edward in waves were the worst: Regrett, Remorse, Longing, Anger, Fear. Everyone else in the room was feeling a mixture of happiness and confusion. Happiness over Bella being here and confusion over the looks on Edwards face. Only I knew what he was feeling. Bella was just happy, happy to see us, to be in our house and especially happy to be with Edward. That was until after they sat down and she turned to look at Edward. She immediately felt crushed. Let me tell you feeling crushed is by far one of the worst emotions to experience, even if you are an empath like me and are just feeling it from someone else. Thats the one that damn near pushed me over the edge.

Get a grip Jasper. I wanted to start beating my head on the wall. Her feelings of being crushed on top of all Edwards different emotions was almost too much to bare. "Edward" I thought and he looked over at me. right when I felt Alice tense up in my lap. She must be having a vision. I bet anything it's about Bella. "Edward the way you are acting is hurting Bella. She thinks you don't want her here." I immediately felt him try to cheer up. To just be happy that she was here instead of dwelling on his regret of leaving her. He pulled her closer into him and whispered "I love you my Bella, I won't ever let you go again" in her ear. I than felt her relief as she sank into him, but I could still feel the little bit of doubt she still had.

We needed to get this over with so they could talk. Before I killed myself over their feelings would be preferable. I don't even understand why everyone isn't just letting them be alone now. What was the point of this, to me them talking through their problems was more important. Edward nodded his head and smirked at me. So he didn't want this little pow wow either. I'm sure Bella didn't either, I was also starting to feel some anticipation coming off of her. They wanted to be alone. Who could blame them, seven months without Alice and I would be a mess. Maybe I could help them out. But how to do it?

"Alice" I mumbled where only she could her me.  
"Yes Jazzy"  
"Why is everyone making Edward and Bella visit. They need and want to be alone. Their emotions are crazy and their even more intense because their feeding off each other."  
"Is that why I keep having visions of Bella leaving?"  
"Yes, Edward is so upset over leaving her and hurting her it's affecting him being happy she's here now. She can sense he's upset and thinks he don't want her here. So she probably has decided to leave."  
"What do you have in mind?"

I guess I could of just told everyone they wanted to be alone, but where was the fun in that. Messing with everyones emotions just seemed like so much more fun. "Edward, you and Bella need to try your hardest to ignore the lust your about to feel. It's not going to be directed at you, but you'll probably feel it some. I'm gonna clear the room so you two can talk. I'm gonna have some fun with it though." I knew that I could do it without affecting everyone at one time, but they would all feel it a little every time I hit someone with it or upped it a little. Messing with Rosalie, Emmett, Esme and Carlisle was going to be so much fun though. I hoped it wasn't to hard for Bella and Edward or hell me and Alice too, it was already hard for us to keep our hands off each other. Than again it would probably be fun to get Edward and Bella all worked up. That would surely break the ice. I had to chuckle because Edward growled at me. Damn should of blocked that thought, probably wouldn't work now.

It was also hard for Rose and Emmett to keep their lust under control. More so most the time than me and Alice. Carlisle and Esme though, that was a different story. Don't get me wrong I felt everything they felt and they wanted each other just as much as the the rest of us. They just had unbelieveable control when it came to being intimate, and not losing control of their lust in front of others or wherever they happened to be. Us other two couples on the other hand were not so lucky to have such control. So considering all that I decided to get Carlisle and Esme first, this was going to be good; the funniest one unless I could get Edward and Bella. I better make sure to keep blocking Edward. If I do it it will have to be a snap decision. If I keep purposely blocking him he will get suspicious.

I sent a huge burst of lust at Esme and Carlisle. They turned and looked at each other and as soon as their eyes met they attacked each other. Heavy making out on the loveseat. It was very weird to see. Your 'parents' per say going at it on the loveseat. The look on Bella's face was priceless. You'd think she'd never seen anyone make out before ever, let alone do it herself. What am I thinking this is Edwards girlfriend she probably hasn't. It was so hard not to laugh at how embarassed she was. Before Emmett and Rose had a chance to react I hit them with some lust so they would not have the time to get suspicious. Emmett damn near ripped Rosalies clothes off instantly. I had to keep sending it out or they might realize what was going on if things settled down any. After about one minute of making out on the couch Emmett picked Rose up and she wrapped her legs around his waist while trying to take his shirt off. Emmett took off running upstairs, the whole time Rose clunge to them while they were kissing and rubbing all over each other.

I felt Alice stirring in my lap and looked down at her. The way she was looking at me OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I looked over at Edward to tell them that now they were free to be alone and that I was taking Alice upstairs. What my eyes saw just about made me freeze from shock or make my eyes bulge out of my head, I wasn't sure. I kind of felt like both could happen; maybe simultaneously. They were all over each other, I was positive they had never gone this far before. Before they split up Edward had to many boundaries and stipulations on their intimacy. Bella was straddling Edwards lap and her shirt was off while his was unbuttoned. Her hands were tangled in his hair. His hands were all over her and they were both moaning through their kisses. Before I could say anything they were up and gone upstairs. OOPS!!!!!!!!! Maybe I layed it on a little thicker than I meant to. I knew than what was the only option left. Fuck it! I grabbed Alice and ran our asses upstairs as well. If everyone else was going to be enjoying themselves so were we. I just hoped everything turned out with Edward and Bella. I didn't want to ruin this for them so I just kept projecting my lust all over the house. I knew that if they stopped feeling it now that they were in so deep they would freak out even worse. They might as well get it over with. Just hopefully Edward wouldn't kill me afterwards. After all it was an accident.

A/N: I am going to be honest I don't really like this chapter. I thought I would like to try writing Jaspers POV, I do not. It was hard. Thats why it is not very long. I will try to make the next chapter very long. It took me a long time. I started it as soon as I posted the last chapter and I literally just finished. I had serious writers block when it came to writing Jasper. I hope you like it though. I tried. I do not know if I am going to let Bella and Edward go all the way or not. I have not decided. I will probably just start writing and see where it goes. If you think I should have them go all the way or come to their senses and stop let me know. I did think it would be fun making everyone all worked up and it was, better than just talking to everyone. I am pretty sure though that regardless of the outcome on the sex the next chapter will be of Bella and Edwards talk. Do you want EPOV or BPOV. I will write it in who ever people pick the most of. So the decision is up to you guys. Also I started another story and will be posting the first chapter within a day or two so please check it out. I am pretty sure the title will be My Shattered Heart. All human story. BxE eventually but in love with each other the whole time. AxJ from the beginning and RxE eventually. Thank you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	9. Chapter 9: Lust or Love

A/N: Sorry for such the long delay in updating. First I got my new story stuck in my head and it was just writing itself and writing itself in my head so I had to type it up. I was literally losing sleep. I got like six chapters already typed up and lots of more ideas for it. Than after I did that I got serious writers block on this story. Me and reyrey95 who always gives me very wise input on where this story should go decided that they should have sex; well I have never wrote anything where people have sex and than I wanted to do it from Edwards point of view so I got very nervous and could not get it right. I still do not know if it is any good, but this is what I got. I hope no one is disappointed. Doing the sex scene from Edwards pov view seemed more logical to me since Edward always over thinks things. I seen Bella being so turned on and into it that her thoughts weren't as coherent. Again I hope everyone likes it. PLEASE REVIEW. I love reviews and they make me want to update faster. They give me more confidence in my writing. Thanks for everyone who likes this story so much. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!! Sometimes in this story I have them think almost the same thing as the other, and the reason I do that is because to me Bella and Edward are really intune with each other and this is just kind of a way that shows it. Also check out my new story. I have only posted one chapter so far. It's called Piecing Together My Shattered Heart.

**Still feels like our first night together ****Feels like the first kiss, its gettin better baby No one can better this.  
Still holdin on, youre still the one First time our eyes met, same feelin I get Only feels much stronger, wanna love ya longer You still turn the fire on.  
So if youre feelin lonely dont Youre the only one I ever want I only wanna make it good So if I love ya a little more than I should Please forgive me, I know not what I do.  
...i cant stop lovin you Dont deny me this pain Im going through.  
...if I need ya like I do Please believe me every word I say is true.  
...our best times are together.  
...touch, still gettin closer baby Cant get close enough.  
~~~~~~~ Please Forgive me-Bryan Adams**

Going After Him!

Chapter 9: Lust or Love

EPOV

I don't even know how this happened, well okay I did know. I knew it was coming and yet it still hit me like a wrecking ball. One minute we were sitting on the couch waiting to talk with my family and Jasper was telling me to fight the feelings of lust that were coming and next thing I know my Bella is straddling my lap and I am touching every inch of her glorious body. Well there goes her shirt. I wasn't even making the decisions to do these things; I was just doing them. Like my body no longer needed my mind to make it decisions. I knew that I needed to stop this. To put back up my boundaries but I couldn't. It just felt so good to be with her in this way. God how I loved her. She was so perfect and beautiful. I had missed her so much.

My shirt was now unbuttoned and she had one hand rubbing on my chest while her other hand was wrapped up in my hair. While I touched and caressed every inch of her. What! What am I doing? This is not right, we just seen each other again for the first time in seven months an hour ago and I am sitting here fondling her. It is wrong. She deserves better than this. I stiffened and was preparing to pull away when I felt her tiny hands tightened in my hair. I could of pulled away effortlessly, but I also knew that if she was holding me tight enough to where I actually realized it than she was actually putting in a lot of effort. The mere fact that she wanted this that bad kept me going. I mean it was heaven on earth. "Please Edward, don't stop" she moaned into my mouth, so softly that even I barely heard it.

Like I could refuse my angel, after all I had put her through over my stubbornness. I was going to give her whatever she wanted and right now she wanted me. I jumped up and felt her wrap her legs around my waist. Her frail body felt so good wrapped around me, I had to get us out of here. I wasn't going to be strong enough to refrain myself much longer; and I definitely did not want mine and Bella's first time ever to take place in my living room. As soon as she said please I was a goner. I raced us upstairs all the while roaming all over her silky smooth body with my hands. I suddenly felt the lust I was feeling elevate. Before I even got the door shut the both of us were damn near ripping each others clothes off. I tried to keep control of my emotions so I could focus and I wouldn't hurt her. But this was my Bella here in all her perfection and the lust was making me want to make her mine in everyway and it was hard to rein in my emotions. And she wasn't helping the situation, I had never seen her this way.

The lust projecting around the house was making her braver than she usually is and more self-confident. I liked it. She broke our embrace and walked over to my black couch. She climbed onto the couch and got upon her knees. She looked at me and all I could see in her eyes was lust. She bit her lip and motioned for me to come to her with her finger. She looked so sexy the animal in me just wanted to attack her right this minute and take her. But NO! I was set on doing this, but I was also determined to do this out of love not just lust. Of course I wanted her, but I wanted the reason we made love to be because we wanted it, because we love each other. Not because Jasper hit everyone with a little to much lust. No time for talking Cullen get over to your girl and prove to her you love her. I walked over to her looking her up and down as I made my way to her. She was to sexy for her own good. I couldn't believe we were about to do this, I have wanted to do this since I met her. She is the only woman I have ever thought of in this way. How did I get so lucky?

I had so much to make up to her and prove to her and this was going to be my first act. The old Edward would of never crossed these boundaries no matter what Bella wanted. This new Edward though was going to listen to her more than myself. As soon as I got to her she ran her hands up my chest and started pulling my arms out of my shirt. She ran her hands down my arms while bringing the shirt down and everywhere her hands touched it felt like I was on fire. My shirt dropped to the floor and she immediately went for the button on my pants. I almost froze, but decided against it. I was letting Bella control this. She undid the button and pulled the zipper down. She gave my jeans a little tug and they dropped to the floor. I stepped out of them and in the same motion I grabbed her up and she immediately wrapped her legs around my waist again. "God Edward you are so sexy." she moaned into my ear. I damn near lost it hearing the lust and longing in her husky voice.

I layed her down on the couch while I hovered over her. I just stopped and looked at her for a minute. I couldn't say it or think it enough. She was just so beautiful. She was biting her lip again and it was driving me crazy. I leaned down and crashed my lips to hers. We kept kissing but I needed more so I swiped my tongue over her lips asking for admittance. She opened her mouth and my tongue darted in and explored every inch of her glorious mouth. She tasted so good. I broke the kiss and made my way down starting with kissing down her jaw line. I nuzzled her neck and moved up to her ear where I licked it a little and bit it softly. She moan whenever my lips or teeth grazed her, and every little moan kept me going. I ran my cold hands up her body and under her back. After a few seconds I had her bra unclasped. I pulled it off and flung it onto the floor. I gently kissed her lips a few more times and started kissing down her neck to her collar bone where I lightly bit it.

I slowly and gently started rubbing on her bare breast. Than I moved my mouth over her erect nipple and blew my cold breathe on it. I felt her shiver but I new it was with pleasure. Than licking her nipple and slowly sucking it into my mouth I heard her moan with pleasure. So I took my other hand and started palming her other breast playing with her nipple. After I had thoroughly experienced the first one with my mouth I switched over to the other one and gave it the same treatment. By this time we were both shaking with pleasure and anticipation. I started leaving opened mouths kisses all over her chest and stomach. I put my hands on her breast and ran them down the length of her to the top of her pants; feeling every inch of her. "Edward, Please." she moaned. There goes that word please again. This woman was going to be the death of me. "We are going to do this Bella. But I am going to do it right. I am going to make love to you the way you deserve. I love you and I want this too. I want only you, every part of you."

I went back to exploring every inch of her body with my lips and tongue. After a few more minutes I think we were both going to combust if I didn't move things along and quit all the teasing. I leaned up off of her and our eyes met, I leaned down and started kissing her again, she ran her hands into my hair getting them tangled and yanked on it. She was panting and her eyes were all lusted over. Turned on Bella was definitely sexy. "Are you ready?" I asked her. "Yes, Edward please. I need you. I want you so bad. Now!" Her wish was my command. I quickly disposed of my boxer shorts and leaned over her again. Here it goes, after 109 years I am about to lose my virginity. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I just wanted her to be happy and enjoy this. I moved myself between her legs and pulled them up on the side of me.

I positioned myself at her entrance and looked down at her again. Our eyes locked and all the emotions I seen in them for what we were doing made me love her and want her even more. "I love you my Bella; always love you and want you." "I love you too Edward." Here voice was so heavy with lust, damn was she sexy. I kissed her one more time than moved inside her. She gasped and stiffened a little. I didn't move, I just stayed inside her and let her get use to my size. After a few seconds she relaxed and smiled. I slowly started moving in and out of her at a slow pace. The lust was starting to win over my self-control and I wanted to give in to it, but I knew that this was new for us so I kept on fighting it. I just kept up at a slow pace. She felt so amazing; I couldn't of imagined it being this fantastic. The way we worked so perfectly together in the physical sense was even more proof that this is where I was suppose to be. I always wondered if we were as compatible physically as we were in every other way.

No words could convey how I felt at this moment. I leaned down closer to her and started kissing on her neck and ear while I continued my pace in and out of her warm depth. The whole time she was moaning and saying my name. And every moan fueled my lust, my desire for her. After a while our movements picked up on their own as Bella started moving with me. Our bodies completely intune with each other. It felt so good moving inside her; feeling her whole naked, perfect body moving and rubbing against mine. The pace had picked up quite a bit and we were both panting from the pleasure. "Oh god Edward, you feel so good. Baby please keep going. I love you, I love you. Oh god I love you EDWARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!" she screamed and I felt her walls start tightening around me. It felt so amazing I almost went over right than but I wanted to get her over hers completely so I started moving a little harder and faster. Moving into her while I gripped her leg and brought it over my arm, she moaned when I went farther into her again and hit her spot.

She reached up and snaked her hands in my hair than ran them down my back; clawing at my marble hard skin while she came again. Screaming my name while I again felt here walls tighen and grip around me. I couldn't take it this time I fell on top of her and pushed all the way inside. "BELLA love, oh my GOD!!!" I moaned as I came inside of her. I layed there on top of her for a minute. We were both panting and having trouble catching our breaths. She was clinging to me, like she was afraid I was gonna disappear. I rolled us over to where she was on top of me and grabbed her face to look at me. "What's wrong, love?" she just looked at me for a few minutes and than she started kissing me. She pulled away and looked back up at me. "Nothing, I just love you so much. I never want to have to let you go again." She didn't realize I felt the same exact way.

We laid there wrapped up in each other for a little while. And than Bella turned and looked up at me with the most heartbreaking look on her face. Like she was ashamed or afraid she was going to get into trouble. "Am I in trouble?" she whispered. I didn't know what she meant so I just looked at her; silently telling her to go on. "I'm sorry Edward. Are you mad at me for that. I know you always had all these boundaries for us." So thats what it was about. "No, of course I'm not mad at you. I wanted this too. I was stupid before to have put up all those boundaries. I didn't believe I was strong enough. But being without you for so long gave me a different outlook on things." At the mention of our seperation her whole demenor changed.

She went from perfectly happy to sad. "Edward, I think we need to talk. Do you wana put some clothes on?" I nodded my head and I sat her up. I jumped up and put my boxers back on while handing her her clothing. So here it comes. I knew we needed to talk and get everything out in the open, but I was so scared. What if she didn't believe me that I really wanted her. I loved her so much; what if she left me. What if she got so upset and left wanting to forget about what just happened between us. It was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me in my very long existence, besides meeting her and what if she ended up regretting it. What if she decided she couldn't forgive me for my ignorance.

Hoping to postpone it for a few more minutes, just so I could have a little more time with her in case this went badly I could see if she was thirsty and/or hungry. She was bound to be after all the panting and kissing. "Bella, love before we talk would you like to go down stairs and get something to drink or eat than we can come back up here and talk?" She looked at me for a minute than smiled and nodded her head. I grabbed her hand and walked out of my bedroom and we walked downstairs. I kept hold of her the whole time in case she tripped; plus I wanted to be touching her as much as possible. My whole family was back downstairs. Their thoughts were all on me and Bella.

"I can't believe little Eddie finally isn't a virgin anymore. Can't wait to give him shit about it." Emmett thought, I just flipped him off. Not very gentlemanly but ah well.  
"Awe, it is so sweet that them to are finally giving into every aspect of their love for each other, their so cute. I do hope everything is alright from now on. And so glad Edward quit being stubborn" Esme thought.  
"How did I not see this happening? I'm glad Edward quit being a prude. Bet Bella is loving it." Alice thought "I wish I did not have to hear the first time they had sex. If I would of known that was going to happen I would of left." that irritated me "It's not like I haven't had to hear or SEE you and Emmett, Rose so get over it" I snapped at her. Everyone started laughing; I looked over to Bella and of course she was blushing. So beautiful. Jasper was just worried that after the post-coital exhiliration wore off I was going to be furious with him. Not a chance; I was grateful. Plus it was an accident, he did warn me.

We went into the kitchen and I sat Bella down on one of the stools while I went to go look in the fridge for her something to eat. "When Esme heard you were coming here she went and bought all this food" I told her. She was probley wondering why we had food in the first place. "Thank you Esme" She called into the living room. "What would you like, my love?" She just smiled again when I said it "Just a sandwich and some juice or something." I got stuff out to make a sandwich and brought out a jug of juice. She just sat there looking at me and smiling while I made her a sandwich and poured some juice. Afterwards I grabbed her stuff and motioned for her to follow me upstairs. We walked in and she went and made herself comfy on the couch so I walked over and handed her her food and sat down on the other end of the couch and positioned myself towards her. So here it comes. I just hope it turns out for the better. Regardless for better or worse I will love her always. She is my angel.

BPOV

We walked out of his room and he was holding my hand. I was so embarassed to be going down here in front of his whole family knowing we had just both lost our virginities. They had probley heard every single second of it. Me moaning and screaming his name. All the panting we were both doing. They had heard all of it. I wish I would of thought of the embarassment of everyone hearing us during the whole thing. Like that would of mattered, it was involuntary. It's not like I thought 'Bella moan now' or 'Bella scream his name now'. It just all kind of happened on its own. No wonder people kept having sex after the first time. It was amazing. I could go back up there right now and do it again. Just thinking about it made me blush. This man next to me was magnificent. There were no words strong enough to convey how good this man made me feel. I was just glad he took his boundaries down and gave into the passion.

I was all for going down to get something to eat and drink even if I had to walk past the whole family. This just meant prolonging the inevitable conversation we were going to have. I was so nervous and afraid. What if he still did not want to be with me. Not to mention he lived in New York now and I had to go back to Forks in a week. At least until graduation. Maybe I could just finish high school here? Yeah right like Edward or Charlie would let me do that. Anyways I think I am getting ahead of myself, who says he even wants me here. Just because everyone else did doesn't mean he did. And as much as I would love to be with all of them I know I could not stay around if I couldn't be with Edward. It would hurt to much. I loved him and needed him and I was so afraid he was going to deny me that, even after what just happened. What if he ended up regretting making love to me, or worse what if he already did. He had waited so long. What made me so special.

I was brought from my thoughts by Edward snapping something at Rosalie. "It's not like I haven't had to hear and SEE you and Emmett; Rose so get over it!" OH MY GOD! I immediately felt my cheeks start burning, and heard everyone in the room laugh. What were they all thinking. And Edward had to hear it all. I started walking a little faster into the kitchen. Edward picked me up and sat me on one of the tall stools and walked over to the fridge. Why did they have food. Who ate it here. Everyone in this house drank animal blood. As if he heard my thoughts Edward said "When Esme heard you were coming here she went and bought all this food." "Thank you Esme" I called out so that I knew Esme would hear. "What would you like, my love?" he asked. I loved when he called me love. It made my whole body relax. "Just a sandwich and some juice or something." I told him. I watched him as he dug through the fridge and got everything out for a sandwich and a jug of juice. He was just so beautiful and sexy. How did I ever get so lucky to get such perfection. I could look at him forever. Which is what I was hoping I would get to do.

He made me a sandwich and poured some juice, than he grabbed it all up and motioned for me to follow him. We walked back up to his room and as soon as we got in the door I immediately went over to his couch and made myself comfortable. Edward walked over to me and handed me my food and drink. He than went and sat at the other end of the couch and faced me. Well here it goes. The conversation I need but the one I am so scared to have. Nothing would be able to console me if I still ended up without him after all this. I really hope everything works out okay. I just want him and want him to be happy. Regardless of the outcome I will always love him and want him and only him. No one could or would ever take his place. He is my angel.

A/N: Please everyone review. I am getting lots of people reading my story and I am getting puit on alerts and favs but hardly any reviews. It is really taking a toll on my self-confidence. IS the story no good. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!! Sorry they did not get into their talk yet. I just felt like maybe I should end it here, this chapter is suppose to be kind of romantic and sexy. Hope I did okay with wrting them making love. I know that they are going to be together, but I do not know how emotional the talk is going to get. It could be simple and happy and everyones okay quickly or I could make it more dramatic. Not sure yet so I didn't want to add it into this chapter in case. Didn't want to drag this chapter down. Thanks Please Review.


	10. Chapter 10: Your My Life!

**Look into my eyes - you will see **

**What you mean to me **

**Search your heart - search your soul **

**And when you find me there you'll search no more**

**Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for **

**You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for You know it's true **

**Everything I do - I do it for you**

**Look into your heart - you will find There's nothin' there to hide **

**Take me as I am - take my life**

**I would give it all - I would sacrifice **

**(Everything I do) I do it for you-Bryan Adams**

**Going After Him!!!**

**Chapter 10: You are my life!**

**BPOV**

We were both just sitting here looking at each other while I ate on my sandwich. I was so afraid of what he was going to say. What if it was only the lust that caused him to give me the greatest experience of my life. Well besides meeting him in the first place. It was like he was having an internal battle with himself. The faces he was making. One minute it was full of sorrow and the next it was nothing but happiness. I was not sure if this was a good thing or not. We continued to sit here and than next thing I knew my sandwich was gone and there was nothing left to do but either start this conversation since it seems Edward is not going to or continue to sit here.

I quickly tried to get my thoughts together, but it wasn't working to well. I knew that I loved him and I came here for him. Nothing had changed about the way I felt. I still wanted him and always would. If anything I loved him even more. WOW! I just realized that that was really true. I did love him even more than before. I felt even closer to him; like I knew him better. I didn't think it was possible to love him more than I already had. But I guess being intimate with the person you are destined to be with would bond you even closer. It truly is the most intimate thing one can experience. I truly doubted that being with just anyone in that way would be the same as being with your soul mate. But that was something I would never know anything about. I was either going to be with Edward or no one. I know that I will not survive him leaving me again.

I wasn't trying to sound all suicidal or dramatic but it was just something I knew it would not be able to do. I knew my feelings were the same, but how could he go from not wanting me and not loving me to wanting me again. That made me think that it was just the lust. I wasn't sure and I didn't understand. I took a deep breathe.

"Edward"  
"Bella" we both said at the same time. I had to laugh. We both sat here silent this whole time and went to talk at the same time. Edward started laughing too. "Go ahead." he said. I took another deep breathe and began.  
"You left, you just left."  
"Bella I.  
"I'm not finished yet." I was not mad but I didn't want to be interrupted now that I was starting. I know that I sounded mad though because the the look on his face. It was full of shame and guilt. I gave him a real big smile to try and relax him a little. I took another deep breathe. "I'm not mad at you Edward; I'm really not. I'm hurt and disappointed. And actually a little confused, to be honest. But I am not mad and I am sorry if I sounded mad right then. It's just I've missed you and I'm finally here with you. After months and months of longing I'm finally here. And I have so many questions and so many things I want to say and once I got started I really didn't want to be interrupted." I said all this in one breathe and than I exhaled. I had been looking at my hands in my lap the whole time I was talking. I looked up at Edward and my heart broke. The sadness and hurt on his face was almost to much to bare. I instantly wanted to grab him in my arms and hold him. To tell him I loved him and that everything would be alright. But I couldn't, I wasn't sure everything would be alright. Yes it looked like he was hurting, but maybe he just felt guilty. I knew I looked a mess and unhealthy. It was obvious in the way I held myself I was a wreck. I think the saddest part was that I knew all this and I could not do anything to change that. Only this man in front of me could fix me, the only thing was would he, did he want to? I sure as hell hoped so.

I knew there was alot of things I wanted to say, that I needed to say so after a second I started talking again before he had time to start. "What happened between us tonight, what was that to you. Just the lust Jasper was projecting. I know it was strong, it had to effect you." I stopped to breathe but again I didn't even let him answer before I was talking again. "It was the best thing that has ever happened to me, well besides meeting you in the first place. But tonight was better than even that. And I honestly thought nothing could ever be better than when you came into my life. It was the single best experience I have ever had. And it has made me so happy that I have experienced that kind of connection, intimacy with you. There is no one I would of ever wanted to do that with besides you. And even if tonight is the only thing I get to have with you ever again, I'll take it. At least I got to experience the most intimate experience with you. Something neither one of us have done before. And even if I can't have you, and I came here for no reason, I will at least be a little happy. Cause you will forever be my love, the only one I ever have or ever will be one with both physically and mentally. I love you so much. But know this I will not give up on you without a fight. I need you and I want you. Why did you leave Edward. And I want the truth, not some bullshit to spare my feelings."

We sat there in silence for what seemed like forever, but was really only like a minute or two. I am not sure what Edward was thinking or feeling, his face was blank. And he was just staring at me. I honestly think that was the longest speech I have ever gave him, even longer than when we first met and I was ranting about double standards. I started thinking back to that time when I first met him and how not much had changed on how I felt for him. I was still utterly infatuated with him. He still was the only thing I really thought about, he consumed my every thought.

"Bella, my sweet beautiful Bella. Where do I even begin. I have so much to apologize for, so much to make up to you. I'll just start with I love you, I love you so much and I am so sorry. Sorry from the bottom of my lifeless heart for hurting you. Not one day, no that's not good enough; not one moment has passed since the moment I walked away from you in the woods that you haven't been consuming every thought I have had in my head. You are the only thing I have thought about in the last seven months. There were so many times I wanted to just run back to you and beg you to take me back and tell you what a fool I've been, tell you what a huge mistake I had made. For two reasons I didn't do just that."

"One was I was so scared of rejection, though I knew I would and do deserve your rejection; I also knew that I was not strong enough to handle it. You have been the only good thing that has happened to me in my very long life Bella. Don't get me wrong I love my family and they know this, but they also know that my life was nothing, empty before I met you. They all had each other and I was alone. For ninety years I have walked this earth alone. No one meaning more to me or even half way catching my attention and in one day, no in one minute just some ordinary day you walked past me and completely changed my whole life. You lit my life up, filled it with so much joy and so much happiness, but at the same time so much fear. And that is the reason I left you and the second reason why I always stopped myself from coming back every time I wanted to. And oh god Bella did I want to."

"Everyday was a struggle for me to stay away from you, my home. I have lived in so many different countries and cities, but no where ever truly felt like home. Until you. And now you and Forks, Washington will always be my home. Sometimes I would tell myself that I would just come back here and check on you. Make sure you were okay and happy. But I always talked myself out of it too. I always knew that I didn't deserve you, that you were to good for me. But I loved you to much to make myself stay away. I tried some many times to leave Bella. Before we ever even talked, remember that first day in Biology, and later I told you I had left, I went out of town. You know that I left because your blood has such a powerful effect on me and I did not want to hurt you. But what I never told you or anyone for that matter was that the reason I came back was because of you. Yes I missed my family, yes I wanted to be with them."

"But I spent that whole time I was in Alaska seeing nothing but you, and your beautiful brown eyes. They impaired my vision, that no matter what I was looking at; they were all I saw. It has always been you Bella, even before I knew it. I couldn't even stay away then, and I didn't even know you. All I knew was your name, your dad was the police chief, that I couldn't read your mind, and that in all my long years I had never smelt something as wonderful as you. So the longer I was around you and learned things about you from other peoples conversations with you. The more I seen how wonderful and unique you were; there for the more I was drawn to you, and the harder it was to even think about leaving you. I hated Mike Newton, all those days he use to sit at our desk and talk to you and hit on you; but I also was grateful for him, because the more he talked to you the more I learned. He never noticed all the little things about you, he didn't see the real you; but me, I did."

"And than your birthday happened, and I was crushed. Yes I protected you once again from the threat being in my world posed on you. But how many more times would I truly be able to do that? Before it was something even me and my family couldn't handle. And that thought right there scared the shit out of me. And I know that Jasper did not intentionally try to hurt you, and I have never blamed him for it or been mad at him. But the fact that I had to save you from my own family was to much. There was only one thing that was ever more important to me than what I wanted, than my need for you and that was your safety. And yes I was foolish to think that just because you are human that you couldn't love me the way that I love you and I see that now. It is obvious that you do, that you love me so completely and that you couldn't just get over me. Why you love me I do not know, but I know that you do."

"And I am so grateful for that, because I love you so much, you are my life Bella and you always have been. I was given this second chance at a life, just so that one day I could be with you. And I never seen it that way before. I seen it as a curse, not an oppurtunity. I was born and reborn, I guess you could say; to be with and love you, and I know this and believe this with all that I am. And I am not going to fight it anymore. I can't, I do not have the willpower. If you will have me I am here forever. Forever yours my Bella. I am so sorry I lied to you in the woods Bella. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I couldn't believe you believed it so easily. I had told you a million times how much I loved you and I told you one time that I didn't and you believed it without a second thought."

"I seen it in your eyes, you truly believed that I did not love you. How could you have so little faith in my feelings for you to so easily believe something as ridiculous as me not loving you?" He said all that in one breathe and I was speechless which I guess was a good thing because before I even had time to think of a response he started again. "And to answer your question about what happened earlier. No it was not just the lust Jasper was projecting on everyone. I was very much aware of what I was doing, and I was in control. I do not regret it nor will I ever regret it. You are the only woman I have ever in my whole existence had those types of feelings for and you will always be the only one."

"I made love to you because I wanted to and I knew that you wanted to too; plain and simple. It was one way of showing you that I am here and that I want you. By taking down all my boundaries I had for us and allowing us to give ourselves to each other in the most intimate way. Now I know that I messed up. And I never have and I certainly don't now deserve your love, you have every right to reject me. But I am so sorry and I promise that if you give me one more chance I will never leave you or hurt you again. All I want is to be with you. I can not continue to go on without you. It is just to much to bare, I need you with me always. Say that you love me and that I can please have one more chance. I will get down on my knees and beg you if I have to. I just need you Bella, just to be with you. I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of your life proving that to you. If you'll let me."

**I am thinking of you In my sleepless solitude tonight **

**If it's wrong to love you Then my heart just won't let me be right**

**Cause I've drowned in you And I won't pull through Without you by my side **

**I'd give my all to have Just one more night with you **

**I'd risk my life to feel Your body next to mine **

**Cause I can't go on Living in the memory of our song **

**I'd give my all for your love tonight **

**my all-Mariah Carey**(I know it's sort of a girly song, and I don't really see Edward listening to this song, but the words just fit I think)

**EPOV**

She just sat there looking at me. What was with us talking each other into silence. She was probley just processing everything I had said to her. Coming up with her response. I think right now was the most I had ever wished that I could read her mind. Why was it the one mind in this whole world I wanted to read I couldn't. That was just completely unfair.

"First off Edward, did you not listen to anything that I just said to you? Did I not just say that I was not giving up on you without a fight. Yes, you were stupid and egotistical; I might add, to think that just because I am merely a human that I can not and do not love you the depth that you love me. That is utterly preposterous. Seriously Edward. You say how could I question your love for me, but you did the same thing all along. Thinking it was just a crush for me and I would simply forget about you. Do you think I did not try Edward; because I did. It hurt so bad not being with you, hearing your perfect voice, feeling your cold strong arms around me at night. It hurt to not be able to talk to you, to not wake up every morning to you kissing my forehead. But you want to know what hurt the most, my whole life I never fit with anyone, not even my own mother. Until I met you and your family. And it was the first time in my whole life that I ever felt like I had a family, that I belonged somewhere."

"Yes I love you, want you and missed you more than anything, but I love them and missed them and want them in my life too. They are my family too and you took my whole life away from me in one moment. That is what hurt the most, not only did you take away my true love but my family too. And I am still not mad, but you need to know how I feel about everything if we are going to move on from here. How could you doubt me Edward! I did try everyday to forget you, all of you. It was utterly impossible. Everything reminded me of you. Everything! I could still smell you in my room Edward. Do you know how hard it is to try to forget; like you told me to. When everything reminds you of what you are suppose to be forgetting. And everything in you is telling you it is wrong. It was like my whole body was rebelling against me and what I was trying to do. And why was I trying to do it Edward, because it is what you wanted. I never myself wanted to move on, to be without you." Oh did I know exactly what she meant, I went through the exact same thing.

"I never truly wanted you to forget Bella. I was so afraid that you actually would, even though I was the idiot that told you too. I just thought it was what was best for you." She just looked at me. "I wasn't done yet." she whispered.  
"Sorry, go on." I nodded at her to tell her to continue.

"Not even for a second. You are it for me. And there is no reason for you to beg if I came here prepared to beg as well. Don't you see, you do deserve me. I was born to love you too. It's all I've ever been good at, loving you. We are made for each other. Don't you see how wonderful you are? And not just the way you look Edward. Yes, you are absolutely jaw dropping gorgeous, but that's not what draws me to you. When I first met you, yes I thought you were gorgeous but I was intrigued by you And the same goes for me that went for you. The longer I was around you the more attached I got. I watched you Edward, always watched you before you started talking to me again. I couldn't help it, I was drawn to you. I love you, and if I am so great like you say I am; don't you think you would have to be equally as great if not better, for me to love you so much. You are the only person I have ever wanted in anyway too Edward. I love you and there is no need to doubt for anything. I am here simply because I need you and want you. I thought I made that clear in my last little speech. I love you Baby"

Wow! My girl was right. I was a fool and a hypocrite. But I loved her all the more for calling me on it. And she called me baby. I liked it, she had never called me baby before. She wanted to be with me. Regardless that I left her and hurt her so bad. How did I ever deserve such love and dedication.

"You are beautiful to me inside and out Edward. And I might not agree with why you left, and I might not like it. But I understand. I thought you really left because you didn't want me anymore. I thought that I was just a distraction for you and that you were bored with me. But I see it in your eyes that you are telling me that truth this time. That day in the forest I was trying to read your eyes and I couldn't. They were emotionless, and now I know why. They are definitely not like that now. I am so sorry I doubted you too love. I am so so sorry. Never again will I doubt you. It's me and you right! I need you baby, so bad!!"

She looked like she was about to start crying, so I made the first physical contact we had had since I sat her on the stool in the kitchen. I grabbed her and pulled her into my arms. She instantly started crying with the contact. It felt so good so right. This is my home. This is where I belonged, and I was where she belonged. I knew that now. I knew that I was to her what she was to me and that made me the happiest I have been in my whole existence. If it was physically possible right now I would probley be crying my eyes out with tears of complete joy. I finally felt whole again, with my one love in my arms.

"SHH Baby don't cry, don't be sad. You have nothing to be sorry for. It is my fault you doubted me, I lied to you and it was wrong. I am sorry I assumed I knew what was best for you. It is only me and you love. Forever. I need you too love, so much. I can never be without you again. You are here with me now love and I will never let you go again." I sobbed tearlessly into her hair.

"Edward" she said through sniffling, it was adorable. This woman was perfect. I loved her so much. How could I ever of left her. STUPID EDWARD! But never again.  
"Yes my Bella, my love."  
"I am crying tears of happiness, just to let you know. I am so happy right now. I am afraid I am going to wake up and realize this is just a dream."  
"It is not a dream love. You and me are really here. And we are together and in love. And earlier you let me make love to you and it was the best night of my life. This is the best night of my life."  
"The best ever?"  
"Yes."  
"Wow, and you got lots of nights for it to be compared too." I just laughed. She was so silly. Just bringing up earlier made me want to relive it with her. But right this second was not the moment.  
"Edward."  
"Hmm"  
"Do you know why I am here'  
"You said to get me back and fight for me if you had to." I smiled so big into her hair, she was going to fight for me. I loved her more and more every second of everyday. I felt pride I think, yes pride in my girl for being so strong and going after what she wanted. And I was so grateful that what she wanted was me. She was just so amazing. Everything about her drove me crazy.

"No I meant, do you know what made me decide to come here?"  
"No, would you tell me?"  
"I had a dream about you, and for months before that I was like numb, like a zombie. It still hurt and all but I was numb to it. Does that make sense?"  
"Yes, I completely understand. I felt that way too."  
"Well I woke up in the morning, on the exact day it had been seven months since you had left me and I was not numb anymore, and it hurt so bad I could barely breathe."  
Just hearing her say this was hurting me, but I let her go on. I just held her tighter in my arms.  
"I woke up from having a dream about you, and it was so clear, so vivid. Like it was a memory I was reliving, not a dream I was having. But I knew that it was not a memory I had of you, but I also knew that it was not just some dream. In the dream I seen you, and you were here in Ithaca. I think you were out hunting probleyand in the process had passed Cornell. And I seen it in the dream and that was how I knew you were here. I just knew it, with all I am that this was where you were. After I laid curled up in ball crying for hours and thought about it. Fighting with myself on weither I should come or not. How you would react to if you would want me again; I decided I wasn't willing to give up on you, to give up on us. I looked up their website. I had a feeling that if I was right and you guys were here that Carlisle would be teaching at Cornell. So I looked it up and he was there. And just seeing his picture made my resolve stronger. I went downstairs and told Charlie I was coming here after you. I told him I was doing it whether he liked it or not. He agreed and here I am. In your arms and the happiest I have ever been."

I did not even know what to say to that. How perfect was she. I did the only thing I could thing of. I grabbed her face and started kissing her. I put as much as I could into that kiss, without hurting her. Trying to show her how much I loved her and how happy I was too. I layed her down and looked down into her eyes. I wanted her and I needed her right now.

"I need you, right now baby. I need to be with you."  
"I need to be with you too."  
"I love you Bella."

And than I smashed my lips to hers and swiped my tongue across her lips asking for permission to enter. She granted me access instantly and I immediately got lost in the passion that was flowing through use like electric currents. I had my love back, and I was going to make sure it stayed that way. I would never give her up willingly again. I needed her to bad.

**A/N:** Again sorry for such the long delay. I will try not to have such a long one for the next chapter. If there are any errors I am truly sorry. I did proof read it but I was determined to post this chapter tonight and well it is almost three in the morning and I am tired as hell. I got to get up in like 4 hours so again sorry for any errors there might be. PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! Also check out my other story. You might like it. If you don't think the summary on it is that great, don't let it turn you off the story. I was having trouble writing a summary without giving out to much info. I promise the story is better than the summary. Definitely worth a read. Thanks again to everyone who likes this story so much. And REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope this chapter satisfies everyone. And everyone really likes it. I really like it. I think my writers block might be over, I have all kinds of ideas on this story since I started writing this chapter.


	11. Chapter 11:Pain

**Bit down on the bullet now  
I had a taste so sour  
I had to think of something sweet  
Love's like suicide  
Safe outside my gilded cage  
With an ounce of pain  
I wield a ton of rage  
Just like suicide**

**With eyes of blood  
And bitter blue  
How I feel for you  
I feel for you  
Like Suicide- Soundgarden**

**Going After Him!**

**Chapter 11: Pain **

**BPOV**

I spent as long as I could wrapped up with Edward. I couldn't believe how wonderful sex was. I guess I kind of thought it was overrated or something. I was wrong, I couldn't get enough. And the only reason I pulled myself away about seven hours later was for one: I was in alot of pain. Not the bad pain; the good pain where you are just very sore. I knew I couldn't let Edward know how sore and bruised my body felt or he would freak and I would become celibate again. That was something I did not want, now that I had truly been with Edward in the most intimate way I didn't know how I was ever going to go without it. I was hooked. He was even more like a drug to me than he ever was before.

What was I going to do when I had to go back to Forks in a couple days. I was to afraid to bring it up to him yet, and I have been a little preoccupied. The only other thing that pulled me away was I was completely exhausted. Not only was this night the first time I had ever had sex and that was tiring in itself. I also was jet lagged and had been awake for over 24 hours. I couldn't really sleep on the plane. I was a nervous wreck waiting to see how Edward was going to react to my showing up at his home across the country; unexpected. Edward wasn't in here so I assumed he had went to hunt. I know it had to be hard on him to be around me so much the last twenty-four hours. I always have been more appealing to him than anyone else he has ever met or come across.

I know that being away from me for so long and than being so close was not a easy thing for him. I hadn't thought about it last night I was to caught up in what we were doing. HEE HEE. Now I felt bad though. I didn't want my love to suffer because me. But what else was there for me to do. I had him back, he loves me and wants me and I know it. And the best thing is I don't doubt it. There was no way I would ever let us be parted again. We would just have to find some way around how appealing I smelled to him. And I had the perfect plan and the only thing was getting Edward to agree with me. I knew me being changed into a vampire was not his favorite idea.

However he was just going to have to get over it. There was not any way I was going to grow all old while he stayed seventeen forever. It was bad enough that I was already eighteen I was not going past nineteen. If I had it my way he would walk back up here right now and solve all these little problems. I also knew that would not happen. It was going to take alot of persuading and I was probley going to have to get help from the family. I just hoped that they would want me as part of this family as much as I wanted to be part. I loved them all so much. I didn't want to think about how I was going to have to go back to Forks in a few days. The thought of that made me feel sick to my stomach and made me ache to have Edward near me. I knew all I had to do was call him and he would run back here so fast, but I wanted him to hunt. I didn't want my love to suffer anymore than he already had to.

I had decided to just lay here to relax and rest my sore body til Edward got back. That way it would be easier for me to pretend I wasn't hurting. It felt good just laying here on his couch. I had missed him so much. I was so worried about coming here and him rejecting me. I couldn't believe I had almost turned around and got back on a plane to Forks. I was so glad that I did not get a chance to do that. Coming here was the best decision I had ever made. It was even better than being with Edward in the beginning. This time I knew that he loved me, I knew that I was worthy of him. Before he had left I was insecure and never understood why we were together, why he wanted me. Now he made me see myself how he sees me. And I had to say from his point of view I wasn't half bad.

I knew now why we were together. Because we were meant to be. There was not one doubt in my mind that we were made for each other. We fit one another so perfectly. In every way, and all the intimacy yesterday proved that we were just as compatible in the physical sense as we were in every other way. Knowing that made me ecstatic. I only hope that I helped him see himself in a better light than he does. I hope he too sees himself from my eyes as I now see myself from his eyes. Than he would also know that he deserves me, is just as worthy of me as I am of him. He would see that he is not the monster that he thinks he is. That he is truly an amazing person. I looked at the clock in Edwards room.

It was almost 4:00 pm. I curled back up on the couch and layed there thinking about how wonderful last night had been. It definitely had to be the best night of my life. Not only did I get my Edward back but he had made love to me for hours. How glorious. I fell back to sleep thinking about how wonderful he made me feel. I awoke a while later to cold strong arms wrapping around me. I sighed and leaned into him, instantly falling back to sleep. I woke up again about eight hours later. It was about 6:00 am. Damn I have been sleeping forever. I guess I did have an excuse the flight, the anxiety of facing him, and all the hours of wonderful love making.

"Good morning Beautiful" his voice was so beautiful. Would I ever get tired of hearing it, not likely. "Hi" I said back while I opened up my eyes to see Edward laying a few inches away from me. He went in to kiss me and I leaned away. Instantly his face read nothing but despair.  
"What's wrong Bella?"  
"Nothing is wrong Edward." I was trying so hard not to chuckle. He thought I was rejecting him, awe how cute. Really I just wanted to get up and go brush my teeth before I let him near my mouth. I had been asleep a long time.  
"I would just really like a human moment before I kiss you, if you know what I mean?" I asked raising my eyebrow. All the while trying not to laugh at the look on his face. "Your to cute; you know that?" I said. I blew him a kiss than I wiggled out of his arms and stood up off the couch. As soon as I stood on my legs they felt as heavy as stone and pain ripped through them, along with a certain area south and my abdomen. I shrieked a little and was making my way to the floor as my knees gave way.

Of course Edward being the super awesome vampire he is caught me. I did not want to look up at him. I knew what was going to be all over his face. I was going to have to tell him. Well at least I got enough and enjoyed it thoroughly; because I can just about guarantee I am going to be officially cut off in about two minutes. This was so lame, so unfair. Why couldn't I just be a vampire already, than we wouldn't have to worry about this. I couldn't believe he had stayed silent all this time. He had just caught me and pulled me up into his lap. I guess I better get it over with. I looked up into his scorching topaz eyes. My heart broke again. I could see it on his face, I didn't need to be able to read his mind. He was internally damning himself for being with me.

This might be worse than I thought. He was still silent as he stood with me still in his arms and carried me into the bathroom. Silence was not a good thing, the longer he was silent the worse the storm was going to be when it came. Not that he would be mad at me or blame me. Actually I wish he would. He would we be easier on me than he would be on himself. He was probley never going to touch me again. DAMN IT!!!!! He sat me on the counter and walked back into his room. He was back in a matter of seconds with my toiletries bag. He sat them on the counter next to me and started to walk out.

"Edward wait!" He turned to look back at me. There was no emotion there. Nothing! Not remorse, anger, sadness nothing. "You can stay in here with me." He just looked at me for a minute.  
"Call for me when your done and I'll come back and carry you wherever you want to go." He said, and his voice was just as emotionless as his face. Like he was dead; no pun intended. "Edward please don't go. I don't like to be away from you. I was away from you for too long before." I regretted saying that as soon as it came out of my mouth. He flinched and the most pained look washed across his face. His beautiful face. My angel didn't deserve to hurt. I knew he was thinking about the pain he caused me when he left. That was not my intention when I brought that up. I was just trying to make him see how much I wanted him to stay with me. Great FOOT COMPLETELY IN MOUTH!!!!! "I'm sorry baby. I wasn't trying to hurt you I was just trying to show you how much I want you here with me. I want to be around you as much as possible. Please stay. I love you." He was just standing there not even looking at me.

"Please Edward. I could use your help. I wanna take a shower and you can help me. You know in case it's to hard to stand." OOPS!! again not the right thing to say. His head whipped up to meet my eyes with his own. And than it was nothing but disgust on his face. Not for me, but for himself. How did I keep making this worse. I gave him a few minutes to say something and he was still silent. Damn I don't think this could get any worse. The only time Edward was this quiet was if he was to pissed to talk. He usually always had something to say about everything. He kept pinching the bridge of his nose, again another danger sign. I had to make this right. And I decided right now I wasn't cleaning up until this was okay. And that he was willing to still make love to me. I would reason with him, or I would be stubborn.

I had always been stubborn but now I was going to be more than just stubborn, I was going to fight for what I want again. I liked this new side to me. The side of me that was buried deep inside me and that my love for Edward brought to the surface. Strong Bella. Willing to fight for whatever she wanted Bella. I liked her, alot. "Look at me Edward." He wouldn't. "I swear Edward I will locked you in this bathroom with me until you look at me so we can talk. And don't even say you'll just break the door, because I know you won't. Esme would be furious and you know it. Now look at me or do you want me to get up and walk over to the door and lock you in." I knew he didn't really want me to walk to much so I made like I was going to get up. He instantly turned and looked at me. "There that's better. I'm fine Edward. You need to stop beating yourself up over this; and don't just roll your eyes at me. Talk to me damn it."  
"What do you want me to say to you Bella. Look at you."

"What! What's wrong with me? I am a little sore! WOW!!! Great reason to act like this Edward. It's not like I am all beat to hell. I am sore that's it. But lets think about this for a minute. Yesterday was the first time I have ever had sex and we did have sex alot. So it only makes sense that I am a little sore. It's not like this is a everyday thing for me." Again with the eye rolling. AHHH!!!! "A little sore Bella really. You could barely even stand. And I know this is not a everyday thing for you and it won't ever be. I will not cause you all this pain. I have caused you enough and it damn near killed us both. I will not be the cause of anymore. Mental or physical pain."  
"First just let me say that I love you but you are acting like a giant baby right now Edward Cullen. You are not the only person in this relationship. And did you ever think that one reason it was so hard for me to stand is because on top of all the phenomenal sex (at this he rolled his eyes yet again. He was being a baby. But I love him.) we had last night I was also laying in that bed for what like 14-15 hours if not longer sleeping. So add sore newly used muscles in my legs to laying in a bed all day getting stiff. Makes a little sense to me. And another thing you are not just gonna tell me that we are not going to do that anymore. Like I said you are not the only one in this relationship, and if I say I am fine I am. Do you think I want to hurt myself. I don't and I wouldn't no matter what was causing the pain."  
"No Bella. I'll agree with you on the laying in bed that long effecting your legs but we are not going to make love again. It is to dangerous for you and I have always known that."  
"So you just think that you are gonna put up all those stupid boundaries again?"  
"That's exactly what I plan on doing." Oh really he wanted to play this way. I love Edward more than anything and I will always. But he needed to understand that he is not the only person in this relationship. Even if I am just a mere human. It was not what Edward says goes.

"Fine Edward that's just fine. Have it your way." I got up off the counter and as soon as I put my weight down I wanted to whine in pain but I didn't. That wouldn't help this situation any. I just gritted my teeth and walked towards the door. I turned towards him when I reached it and he hadn't moved. "Bye Edward."  
"What the hell do you mean BYE?"  
"I'm leaving. I'm going to see if someone can drive me to the airport. If this is the way our relationship is going to be than I am just going to leave. Regardless that you are a vampire and I am only human we are suppose to be a team. Not one against the other. This is all ridiculous and you know that. What are you regretting it already. Sorry that you went through with it?"  
"No Bella love, not at all. I ju..."  
"No" I cut him off, I didn't want to hear it. "It's obvious you do. Or you wouldn't be using this stupid ass excuse to not be around me. Well I'm not going back to the kind of relationship we had before Edward. The one where you barely touched me or held me. Where we could never really be close, be one. Now that I know what the other way is I refuse to go back. Obviously you have more control over yourself than you can admit since you just had hours of sex with me and the only thing wrong with me is sore muscles. So there has to be something else. I'm sorry for whatever it is Edward. And I love you. Always." And without waiting for him to respond I walked out of his bathroom, through his room and ran upstairs. Ran to Alice.

I couldn't believe him and more than anything I couldn't believe myself. I know I was just trying to prove a point that it is not just his choice in matters, but I don't think I ever intended on taking it this far. I had been up in Alice's room for hours crying and sleeping, than crying and sleeping some more. She told me that what I did was right. That Edward needed to learn this lesson. I know that he just worries about me, but I also know that he loves me to much to hurt me. I had accidentally said the wrong things and made the whole situation worse than it was. Next thing I knew we were pretty much shouting at each other. But I was just as stubborn. I wanted him. I wanted to be with him more than anything but I would not go back to how we were before. I couldn't.

I heard Edward storm out of the house about 3 minutes after I got to Alice. She said he took off in the Volvo. I told her to look into the future to see if she could find out where he was going, she saw nothing. That was about twelve hours ago. I was now downright distraught. I figured I had went to far and I kept saying that over and over trying to blame myself for all this. But unfortunately I knew it was both of us no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise. Alice said he was just being a big baby. I couldn't help but think he wasn't coming back and as the hours passed and there was no sign of Edward I knew I could not just lay here and cry. I helped make this mess but I wasn't the one that left. I just went upstairs. So I told Alice I was going to get all my stuff together and I wanted her to make me plane reservations. I guess I was not wanted here anymore. I mean why else was he gone so long. I couldn't believed I had messed this up again, and so quickly. I wasn't going to make it this time. Not without him. I was worried what would become of me. I knew it would be worse than last time.

Was I suppose to just leave, or sit here and wait for him. I was so scared I couldn't stop shaking. Alice argued with me for what seemed like forever over leaving and finally I got irritated and told her I would do it myself. That's when she gave in. She was downstairs right now on-line making me reservations on the next flight out of here. I sat down on the couch and started crying. Why did I have to be so stubborn sometimes and even more so today. It wasn't just about the sex, it was about us all together. I know that I am weaker than him. I am human and he is a vampire. But that does not mean he always knows what is right. He thought leaving me seven months ago was the right thing to do and that so obviously wasn't. There was no way that I would of used that as a arguing point though. I had already accidentally said the wrong things and hurt him. I know I hadn't got a chance to talk to him yet but I really wasn't planning on being human that much longer. I graduated in two months. I was willing to finish school, but that was it.

I tried pulling myself together enough to get up and gather my things. I had already been in here for over an hour and had nothing accomplished. I walked around the room grabbing my things. I had clothes threw every where. HEE HEE. No matter how upset I was, or how much he probley didn't want me anymore; just thinking about what we shared filled me with so much warmth and made me feel a little giddy. I was also looking at things. Seeing if there were any new things, that he didn't have back in Forks. I was looking on his desk when I found it. I couldn't believe my eyes.

**My Dearest Bella,**

**I am writing this letter to you in hopes that one day you can be truly happy like you deserve. Since the day I left you my world has been turned upside down. It has took everything I have in my body to keep from coming back to you everyday. It has been so hard to stay away from you, so many times I have found myself at an airport about to board a plane to Seattle and not even remember going there. Sometimes it is like my body is acting on it's own accord, like it is trying to get me back home. Which is with you. I have been around this earth for almost 110 years and I have lived in so many different countries and cities. But the only place that will ever truly be home to me will be Forks, Washington; because it is the place I met and fell in love with the reason for my existence. I have spent 7 months trying to find a good enough reason to stay away from you. It has been the hardest and most painful thing I have ever experienced. I have now ran out of reasons, except the fact that I want you safe. **

**I want you to have a happy normal life. I want you to be able to have everything you deserve, and I can not give you any of that. I can only love you with my whole being. But you my Bella deserve so so much more. You deserve the world. My only solace (though it pains be deeply to think of it) is hoping that one day you will find a guy that is good for you. Someone who can be your bestfriend (like I was), take care of you, be there for you, give you the family you deserve and hopefully love you at least half as much as I do. I wish more than anything that I could be everything you want and deserve, but unfortunately I can not and will never be able to do that. I am just grateful that in my long existence that I finally got to meet you. I am grateful that I fell in love with the most amazing, brilliant, funny and beautiful woman I have ever seen or met. I am grateful that I got to spend the time with you that I did. I do not think I will ever find words strong enough or deep enough to express to you how much I truly love you. **

**Just know that I do Bella, I love you so deeply and that love for you has been what keeps me going. Please don't ever believe the lies I told you when I left you that day. I do love you and I always want you. I left to keep you safe, and so you can have a happy life. My love for you is all consuming. But it is also my love for you that has lead me to my lastest decision. It is getting even harder everyday to stay away from you, but I need you to be safe. I honestly don't think it will be much longer before I drop all my resolve and come back to you and beg you to take me back. I am sorry to say this next part but it is true; as much as I want to I can not allow that to happen. There for I have decided that it is in your best interest if my existence is over. **

**I can not continue to live and keep you safe. I had always thought that I would stay away from you while you lived your life but as soon as you left this world I would follow. I thought I was stronger than I am Bella. I thought I could stay at a distance to keep you safe and I can not. I am weak and as long as I keep living I will always fight with myself to come back to you and I know that I will not be able to resist for long. But you have to be safe. You safe and happy is the very most important thing to me, and I will gladly give up my existence to be sure of that. I love you Bella. Do not be sad, be happy and live and enjoy life. But always know that I have always loved you and will always love you with everything that I am; even after I am gone from here. BE SAFE!!!!!!!**

**With all my love**

**EC**

I sank to my knees with tears coming harder with every word I read. My body literally ached with the pain I was experiencing from my loves words. I still could not believe my eyes. I kept blinking them thinking the words would disappear. While I shook and sobbed on his bedroom floor. Had I come just in time. I curled up on my side with the letter in my hands. Rereading it over and over. I distantly heard something going on right now downstairs. I couldn't think about it though. I kept switching from being pissed to feeling hopeless. On one hand I was hurting so bad that he had hurt this much and on the other hand I couldn't believe he was going to leave me like that. That he was going to end his life. The more I thought about it the more I got shitty. I was just as hurt as he was and I would of never killed myself. I knew it would hurt everyone to much. As much as I wanted to die sometimes I knew it was not the right option. There was always something telling me it wasn't teh right action. It was wrong and I couldn't believe he had really thought of doing this. But no matter how pissed I was, reading in his words how hurt he was tore me apart. I was also pissed at myself. All the pain we had been through and I had just caused more but being stupid and stubborn. I could still hear something going on downstairs but I forced my head to tune it out. I just lay there crying on this letter.

I had completely shut out everything around me. All I could hear where my own sobs and my thoughts. Which I have to admit after reading this letter where not good. And after laying here a while were taking a different turn. What if that is where he went, why he wasn't back yet. What if he thought that I didn't want him no more because I walked out. If this was true than I had no other option. I would have to join him. I know I had said I never would of let myself before. That I knew it wasn't an option, but this time it was. There was no voice in the back of my head telling me it was wrong. It was not me taking the cowards way out, it was me joining my love. I would be with him some way. Rather it be here or in hell. Or wherever it is you go after you commit suicide. I felt like a hypocrite, but I couldn't help it. This time was different. I had promised him that I would not be reckless and I wasn't. I made myself believe that with that little promise that meant he still cared. And last time he was alive and I knew it. Even if I couldn't see him and had held onto every little thing to keep his existence real to me. I knew he was alive and living somewhere, even if it was without me. But now if he was gone there was no reason for me to be here. I started planning ways to do this. Should I do it now or wait until I got back to Forks. It would be easier to do without six vampires around. I heard a terrified scream downstairs and the next thing I know the bedroom door flew open. I didn't even care anymore. I didn't even bother to open my eyes and see who it was. And than they spoke and every messed up thought I had just had vanished in an instant and I was seething mad. I jumped up to my feet faster than I would of ever thought possible.

**A/N: **I wasn't planning on this chapter going like this it just sort of wrote itself. So I am sorry if this is not what you expected. I added the letter in again because to be honest I really like it. Plus I like reading it from her pov. When I am writing Bella's pov I am thinking like her. So it all reads different. Thanks to all the people who always read and leave me such great reviews!!!

prepgirl200, reyrey95, amobutterfly25, ltanya1974, kgbuff, kiyoshi-pure, viksta, dragonsong94 and shopgirl7799. They always read and always review and I love it. They are what keeps me motivated to keep writing. And thank you to everyone else that reads this story too even if you don't review. Maybe you will now!!! I truly hope you like this chapter. And I will update again soon. Sorry if there are any errors. I proof read it but it is late and I am exhausted. LOVE YA ALL


	12. Chapter 12: Commitment

**From now  
Until forever  
And ever, my darling  
Forever  
You will always be the only one  
You will always be the only one**

**If you should ever need me  
Unfailingly, I will return to your arms  
And unburden your heart  
And if you should remember  
That we belong together  
Never be ashamed  
Call my name  
Tell me I'm the one you treasure  
Forever- Mariah Carey**

**Going After him!  
Chapter 12: Commitment**

"Good morning Beautiful" I said to her. Would I ever get tired watching her wake up, not likely. "Hi" she said back while opening up her eyes. I leaned in to kiss her and she pulled back from me. Instantly I felt nothing but rejection. She had realized last night was a mistake. I calmed my voice so I didn't sound as frantic as I was feeling.  
"Whats wrong Bella?"  
"Nothing is wrong Edward." She looked like she was trying so hard not to laugh. What was so funny? I didn't get it, whatever it was. Here she was rejecting me after the best life of my existence and she was laughing. I felt like my dead heart was again breaking. "I would just really like a human moment before I kiss you, if you know what I mean?" She said raising one eyebrow at me. All the while obviously trying not to laugh. Real smooth Edward. She must of seen the panic on your face. But all in all I sighed in relief. She still wanted me. "Your to cute; you know that?" She said. She blew me a kiss than she wiggled out of my arms and stood up off the couch. As soon as she stood on her legs a look of pure pain ripped across her face. She shrieked a little and was falling to the floor as her knees gave out.

Of course being the creature that is me I was able to catch her before she hit the floor. She wouldn't even look up at me. She knew I was going to be furious. Was this why she had just stayed in bed and kept sleeping. She didn't want me to know how much I had hurt her. I was disgusted with myself. The first time was bad enough but I continued on for hours. To wrapped up in the passion and intimacy to worry about anything else. I can guarantee I am not going to be getting caught up in anything else again. I couldn't believe I had stayed silent all this time. I had just caught her and pulled her up into my lap. I was to angry to even think straight. And she still would not even look at me. Like a little kid that knew they were in trouble.

I just pick her up and walked silently into the bathroom. I couldn't trust myself to talk. I did not want to take my anger out on her. Yes I was upset that she didn't tell me she was in pain, but I wasn't mad at her. I was mad at myself. And what I had let myself do. I was suppose to be stronger than this. What kind of disgusting creature was I really? There was one thing for sure I was never going to touch her again. DAMN IT!!!!! And it had been so amazing. But that is not what matters, Bella's safety is most important and I had sacrificed that for my own pleasure. I sat her on the counter and walked back into my room. With my vampire speed I was back in a matter of seconds with her toiletries bag. I sat it on the counter next to my Bella and started to walk out.

"Edward wait!" She said with desperation in her voice. I turned to look back at her. I had no idea what my face looked like but it seemed to make her sad. But right now I felt so messed up I wasn't sure what emotion I really felt. Remorse, self-hatred or sadness. "You can stay in here with me." I just looked at her for a minute. I had to walk away for minute and clear my head "Call for me when your done and I'll come back and carry you wherever you want to go." I said, and my voice sounded just as emotionless as I felt. Like I was dead; huh! which technically I am. "Edward please don't go. I don't like to be away from you. I was away from you for too long before." I stiffened instantly. I could not talk about that right now. Not when I was already so upset. But you could hear the desperation and pain in her voice. Begging me with her beautiful deep chocolate brown eyes to stay. My angel didn't deserve to hurt. I know she was not trying to hurt me when she said it, she was just scared. I also knew that my long silence was scaring her too. "I'm sorry baby." she whispered "I wasn't trying to hurt you I was just trying to show you how much I want you here with me. I want to be around you as much as possible. Please stay. I love you." I couldn't even look at her now. I would stay if I looked back at her. And I needed to walk out for at least a minute or so. So I could stop mentally abusing myself and think how I was going to handle this.

"Please Edward. I could use your help. I wanna take a shower and you can help me. You know in case it's to hard to stand." What the fuck! Did she really think she was making me feel better or making me not want to be angry. She just brought up two of the worst things I had ever done in my life. I looked back at her in shock and instantly relaxed a little. You could tell by her face that she had meant that in a good way. Not throwing it in my face and I instantly cussed myself for thinking negative about this perfect woman in front of me. She was just trying to do anything to get me to stay with her and was saying all the wrong things. She was using my weaknesses; she knew I wouldn't want her to be in pain. She would never intentionally hurt me. And I would never intentionally hurt her but it seems that is all I kept doing. Whether it was mentally or physically I was always hurting her in some way.

I had always been stubborn but now I was going to be more than just stubborn. I couldn't be without her but I couldn't mentally take hurting her again. I would just have to put back all my carefully erected boundaries we had back in Forks.  
"Look at me Edward." I couldn't. "I swear Edward I will lock you in this bathroom with me until you look at me so we can talk. And don't even say you'll just break the door, because I know you won't. Esme would be furious and you know it. Now look at me or do you want me to get up and walk over to the door and lock you in."Again she knew I wouldn't really want her to walk to much and risk hurting herself more. She made to get up off the counter. She was so not playing fair. I instantly turned and looked at her. "There that's better. I'm fine Edward. You need to stop beating yourself up over this; and don't just roll your eyes at me. Talk to me damn it."  
"What do you want me to say to you Bella. Look at you." How could she expect me to not be upset. She could barely stand for christ sakes. I again felt disgusted with myself. And longed to go down stairs and beg Emmett to beat the crap out of me. All because I wasn't strong enough to control some hormones.

"What! What's wrong with me? I am a little sore! WOW!!! Great reason to act like this Edward. It's not like I am all beat to hell. I am sore that's it. But lets think about this for a minute. Yesterday was the first time I have ever had sex and we did have sex alot. So it only makes sense that I am a little sore. It's not like this is a everyday thing for me." she shouted at me "A little sore Bella really. You could barely even stand. And I know this is not a everyday thing for you and it won't ever be. I will not cause you all this pain. I have caused you enough and it damn near killed us both. I will not be the cause of anymore. Mental or physical pain. I can't take it" I shouted right back at her. I couldn't believe we were yelling at each other.  
"First just let me say that I love you but you are acting like a giant baby right now Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. You are not the only person in this relationship. And did you ever think that one reason it was so hard for me stand is because on top of all the phenomenal sex (I had to roll my eyes. She was ridiculous, trying to make excuses for my disgusting behavior. But I love her.) we had last night I was also laying in that bed for what like 10-12 hours if not longer sleeping. So add sore newly used muscles in my legs to laying in a bed all day getting stiff. Makes a little sense to me. And another thing you are not just gonna tell me that we are not going to do that anymore. Like I said you are not the only one in this relationship, and if I say I am fine I am. Do you think I want to hurt myself. I don't and I wouldn't no matter what was causing the pain."  
"No Bella. I'll agree with you about laying in bed that long effecting your legs; but we are not going to make love again. It is to dangerous for you and I have always known that." I was just the idiotic vampire that went against my instincts "So you just think that you are gonna put up all those stupid boundaries again?" she snarled at me. She literally snarled at me. I don't think she even realized it. "That's exactly what I plan on doing." She just looked at me for a few minutes. And she looked down right pissed. I could see it in her eyes that she was thinking over all this. I started to get a little worried.

"Fine Edward that's just fine. Have it your way." She got up off the counter and as soon as she put her weight down you could tell she was in pain. That wouldn't help this situation any. I watched as she just gritted her teeth and walked towards the door. She turned towards me when she reached the door. "Bye Edward."  
"What the hell do you mean BYE?" I think I was about to hyperventilate and I don't even need to breathe. I could feel my hands start shaking while all these thoughts started running through my head. Stop her, Tell her you love her, Tell her your sorry, Tell her you'll make love to her right now. Tell her anything just don't let this be it. But I couldn't get my mouth to move.  
"I'm leaving. I'm going to see if someone can drive me to the airport. If this is the way our relationship is going to be than I am just going to leave. Regardless that you are a vampire and I am only human we are suppose to be a team. Not one against the other. This is all ridiculous and you know it. What are you regretting it already. Sorry that you went through with it?"  
"No Bella love, not at all. I ju..."

"No" she cut me off mid-sentence. "It's obvious you do. Or you wouldn't be using this stupid ass excuse to not be around me. Well I'm not going back to the kind of relationship we had before Edward. The one where you barely touched me or held. Where we could never really be close, be one. Now that I know what the other way is I refuse to go back. Obviously you have more control over yourself than you can admit since you just had hours of sex with me and the only thing wrong with me is sore muscles. So there has to be something else. I'm sorry for whatever it is Edward. I truly am. And I love you. Always."

And with that she walked out my door. I didn't even have time to respond. To beg and plead. I lost her again and I instantly started spiraling down the path I was headed 24 hours ago before she showed up and saved me. I heard her start sobbing as soon as she was out my door and I listened as she walked upstairs to Alice. I heard Alice start to comfort her. And for the fifth time in my life I felt like my already dead hurt was breaking again. I had to get out of here and quick. I grabbed the keys to Volvo and ran outside. Making sure to steer clear of everyone. I did not want their anger, remorse, pity or whatever they would feel towards me. Because I once again fucked up the best thing that has happened to me is this very long life I have had. "You are an idiot Edward." Alice thought to me in her head. I just kept driving. She was right. There probley wasn't a bigger idiot than me. She was leaving. She didn't want me anymore.

I drove around for hours. Not really looking or thinking just driving. I could drive these roads without looking. Finally I realized there was only one place I could go right now. It took me about twenty minutes to get to where I needed to be in this moment. Well the only other place I needed to be. I really needed to be with my Bella but I screwed that up. I parked the Volvo on a deserted road and ran the next 30 miles. Here it was, my new thinking place. It was a bad substitute for what it was replacing but it worked. In all my years I don't think I had ever found somewhere as beautiful and serene as my meadow; our meadow in Forks, Washington. And the fact that I had spent so much time there with Bella made it that much more spectacular to me.

I couldn't believe I had messed this up so royally. Again! What was wrong with me. Did I not deserve happiness like I had always thought. But whenever I was with Bella it always made me think maybe I did after all deserve to find happiness. I mean all my brothers and sisters had found their one and only. The one person they couldn't be without. They were all happy. Was I that much more terrible than everyone. Maybe Alice, Rosalie, Emmett Carlisle, and Esme. They were all better and more descent than me. They had not left the family to go out and kill humans. Even if I was only killing the murderers and rapists. I was still taking lives, I was not God. It was not my place to say who lived and who died. But I put my conscious at ease by thinking another girl would not die or be raped by taking out this one monster. But Jasper was no better than me. He too hurt tons of people. And I did not in anyway look down on him for these things. It was what he was taught. He took humans lives and turned them into the monsters we were and than when their strength was deteriorating he took away the second non-life he had given them. And all the countless vampires he killed during the wars he helped fight and the innocent humans he fed off of. Jasper had more on him and he was happy.

So there was no way this was punishment for my horrendous crimes. I was just a hopeless idiot. Plain and simple. I was not being punished by God or any other being. I was being punished by myself. How masochistic can one person be? I obviously had no idea what I was truly doing in a relationship. I mean hell I had went 108 years without a relationship. Not an intimate one. I had relationships with my parents; both human and vampire. And I had relationships with my siblings. But those were completely different kinds of relationships. Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships were new to Bella too, but she still knew that the relationship was suppose to be even. Both members of said relationship having an equal say in every aspect of the relationship. Not one person dominating the whole thing.

But she walked away from me this time. She left me standing alone in that room. She ran to Alice. And that's when it clicked. I really was an absolute idiot. She hadn't left me, she had just gone to calm down and let me calm down so that we both could think. Think before both of us or either of us said something to outrageous. Not that I thought that either of us would actually say something we would really regret, but it was smart of her to remove herself just in case. I bet she thought of that from experience with her mom and Charlie and her mom and Phil. She hadn't left and wasn't planning on it. She just went to Alice for comfort. And though I was a little peeved that it was Alice she was going to for comfort not me. I was glad that she had someone like Alice who really cared about her that she could go to for that sort of thing when it was me that caused the need to be comforted. I was jealous because I wanted to take care of her and love her and comfort her when she was scared or sad. But I was grateful. It would be selfish of me not to be. I thought of all the girls back in Forks who pretended to be her friends and was even more grateful for Alice

I continued to lay there and think about everything. It was obvious she hadn't given up on me; like she probley should. So what was I still doing here. Why did I leave in the first place. Because Edward you always overreact. Especially when it comes to Bella. And usually with Bella again you make the wrong decision. But you can't be without her. That was blatantly obvious. Earlier you felt like you were worthy of her and now you are second guessing that again. Did she deserve you? Probley better, but I was what she wanted and no one would ever love her as much I do. I feel like I do deserve her just because how much I love her; regardless of the dumb things I did sometimes. But what about the issue we were arguing about. Could I let her stand alongside me without freaking out. Looking back now on earlier it is obvious now that she wasn't in to much pain. Nothing life threatening. Just some bruising and sore muscles. Hell she did worse to herself just walking across the room. I had to chuckle to myself thinking about how clumsy she was. So could I let her be my equal. Of course I should but could I bring myself too. Not because I didn't see her as an equal just because it was my second nature to instantly be protective of her. To guard her and make sure she was safe at all times.

How was I going to change that. How was I going to let her stand tall next to me, instead of hidden behind me. I mean she had definitely proved herself to be strong, despite the fact that she was human. She handled the fact that I was not human without even throwing up or passing out. And yes she was scared and got injured but she was strong enough to deal with and survive the James situation. She was strong enough to go alone with me when we first meet knowing I could kill her instantly, ah hell she dealt with that daily from my family when she was around. She survived me leaving her and was strong enough to fly across the country to fight for me when she wasn't willing to give me, to give us up. She has definitely proved that she is strong enough to be my equal and I would be a fool to not allow it.

But how could I prove to her that I was willing to quit thinking that way. That I accepted her as my partner; my true equal. And than the solution hit me. Even harder than the reality that she didn't leave or want to leave. How much more moronic was I going to get. I had to get better at this relationship stuff. I jumped up without hesitation and ran all the way to the Volvo. I made it home in an hour from how fast I was driving. But what I met when I got inside was definitely not ideal. Alice instantly ambushed me.

As soon as I walked in the door she shoved me against the door than I guess that wasn't enough to let out her frustration because she than screamed at me and punched me in the face. I fell back against the door again. Jasper instantly grabbed her to calm her down. Hell I wasn't mad at her. She was just defending her best friend. And in all honesty I deserved it. I deserved much more than just the push against the door and being decked in the jaw. If Jasper hadn't of pulled her away I would of just let her wail on me until she wasn't hurting or angry anymore.

Alice continued to scream obscenities at me and try to get free for a few more minutes. I knew that Jasper was trying to calm her but she was so upset it wasn't working fast enough. I just stood there by the door waiting for her to calm enough for Jasper to release her. It was so loud and so much going on that I couldn't hear Bella anywhere in the house; even with my vampire hearing. Not only was Alice trying to kill me, but Rose and Emmett were both hollering at me and Esme and Carlisle were yelling at them to calm down. Eventually after about 5 minutes or more, though it felt like forever everyone calmed down enough so that Alice could just holler at me a little.

"Edward, what the hell is wrong with you?" she didn't even give me a chance to answer. "You left her like an idiot, and than after she comes to you to make it right. To fight for you, you leave again. Seriously do you really even love her?" That's when I got pissed.  
"What the hell do you mean do I even love her. Of course I do, she is everything in this world to me. Yes I messed up when I left her; but you know even if I was wrong at the time I was doing what I thought was right. Yes I overreact to alot of things when it comes to Bella, but that is only because I am new to this and she is human and I was never use to interacting with humans. And tonight well earlier, yesterday whenever. I took her all wrong, I was upset and of course overreacted and took her words seriously. But I know she would never leave me, I am the idiot that left. But I didn't leave as in leaving her. I just couldn't breathe and I don't even need to. I thought she was leaving me and I felt myself spiraling. I had to get out and think. But I am here now because I realized what a complete idiot I was being by overreacting. So don't any of you dare even suggest I don't love her. You guys don't know what its like to be in love with someone your scared shit less to touch, but all you wanna do is touch them. And it takes every ounce of strength you have to fight those urges. Afraid that you could hurt her just because you were careless for one second. Your relationships aren't anywhere near complicated and you still mess up, all of you."

Everyone just looked at me for a second, Alice actually didn't have anything to say back to me. Which was very surprising. And than it happened. I seen Alice tense as she went into a vision. And I felt like I was going to die right than. All I seen in her head was Bella killing herself. It was just different flashes of her killing herself in different ways and flashes of a suicide note. I fell to the floor while watching this and when she snapped out of it and screamed I realized I was on my knees on the floor with my forehead on the ground clutching my chest. I jumped up and was ripping my bedroom door off the hinges before I could help myself. She was laying on the floor sobbing, tears freely falling down her face. With one arm wrapping around her knees bringing them up to her chest and in her other hand was the suicide letter I had wrote about 3 days ago.

"Bella, my love." I said as I crouched by her head. Her eyes popped open and I swear she jumped up faster than I ever thought was possible. I jerked up and stepped back away from her. She just glared at me for a few minutes.  
"How dare you?" she shrieked in my face. "I swear to you Edward I could rip your head off right now. How could you do this." And she threw the letter at me. "Do you really think that would of solved anything? Did you really think that little of me that I could not love you the way you love me. That eventually I would find out you went and had your self killed and be fine with it. That than I would be able to move on. What the fuck is wrong with you. Are you really that masochistic?" She blew out a breathe and looked around at her surroundings a little.  
"Have I not been clear enough before Edward. A world without you in it is no kind of world to me. Your not the only one who feels that way. I could tolerate living without you, as long as I knew that you were out there alive somewhere living your life. Even if you were living your life without me. Hell even if you had chosen to be with someone else. I could go on with my pathetic life as long as I knew you were still there. But if I was to know that some how you no longer existed. That Edward Cullen was nothing but a memory I could no longer go on with my pathetic life. And that is exactly what my life was when you left: PATHETIC!!! Do you wanna know what I would of done after I got that letter Edward." I didn't answer her. I wasn't quite sure what to say. Well that wasn't true I had lots of things I wanted to say I just couldn't get any of them out.

"Well Edward. Answer me. Do you want to know what I would do?"  
"I already know Bella. I just seen all the things in Alice's vision. What did you think that note was from today? Why were you thinking all these things."  
"Let's ask you a few more things first Edward. Like why the fuck would you go off to do this again today ." She said pointing at the letter. Oh shit that is why she freaked. I was gone so long that after she found this note she assumed the worst. "I could rip your arm off right now and beat you with it. Did you really think this was a solution?"  
"No Bella, You got it all wrong. Today when I was gone I wasn't going to have myself killed. I was ou...... Cut off again.  
"So lets get this straight, you weren't off doing anything stupid but you also didn't come back here. And how long have you been here Edward. Leaving me up here thinking that we were over or that worse you had gone off again to have yourself offed."  
"I haven't been here that long Bella. And when I got here I was violently ambushed by Alice. Than she had the vision. The one of you, of you well you know and I ran right up here. I thought you were leaving me. I took you words seriously and overreacted." She stared at me for a minute. And when she spoke she sounded so sad and broken. "I wouldn't leave you Edward. Don't you know that. I could never even think about leaving you. You doubted me again. I just needed to think and let you think. Let you see that I can be an equal." And with this she started sobbing. I took this as my cue to lay it all out there.

I instantly sank down on one knee in front of her and grabbed her hands. I looked up at her and I fell in love with her all over again. "Bella. Oh my Bella. I have been such a fool. And the only excuse I have is that when it comes to you I lose all my sense. But you are my everything. And yes leaving you was a mistake, thinking about killing myself was a mistake and leaving today to go THINK was not the smartest move. But I love you my Bella. And I am so sorry that I am always so over protective and I am sorry if I have ever doubted you or your strength. You have proved your strength to me more times than should have been necessary. Be I see now. And while I was gone today I was thinking about what I could do to prove to you that I do see you as my equal. That I want you beside me standing tall; facing anything and everything we might have to face together. Not you crouching behind me because I'm to afraid to let you handle anything."

I stopped talking for a minute and looked into her eyes for a minute. She looked a little nervous, but I was positive that she had no idea what I was about to do. I was down on one knew but the words I was saying didn't really go with a marriage proposal. I looked into the beautiful chocolate brown eyes of the woman I love, the woman I want standing along side me for all of eternity. And I asked her one of the most important questions I would ever ask her. One I never thought I would. "Bella I love you and I want you beside me always. Can I change you? Can I make you immortal? I need us to be together, and though I do see you as my equal. I need you to be in every way and to know I truly see you that way. And I need you to feel that way too. This is what I want. I want forever with you" And than there was silence.

**A/N: Hope you like it! Next is Bella's reaction. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!! I need more reviews. So I am thinking I might not updat til I get at least 15-20 more reviews. I actually love this chapter and I hope everyone else does too. And don't forget to check out my other story. I have lots of good things planned for it also. Thanks to everyone and especially the ones who always read and review. You know who you are.**


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